October 1999
Raising Boys to Men
A lot has been written lately about the unique challenges of being a boy in today's society, and the challenges of raising boys
to become healthy men. Adolescence is the time during which many of a young man's ideas about himself, masculinity, and
his future are formed. How can parents, other adults, and even peers help young men mature? These key players in a
young man's life can help him confront aggression, challenge stereotypes about what a "real man should be," and become
comfortable with his emotions.
Observe young men in interactions with one another. Do they encourage each other to stifle emotions and "act like a man?"
Pressure begins in earliest childhood to conform to the idea that boys should not show emotions. For the most part, girls
have heard the message that they can be whatever they want to be. Boys, however, still hear get clear signals about the
behaviors that they must conform to in order to be "real men." By talking about emotion with parents, other adults, and
even peers, young men can practice expressing their emotions, and become more comfortable showing emotion.
Young men can be compassionate. It is important that they have the chance to express this. It is still true that teenage
boys rarely baby-sit other children. Another opportunities for care-giving is mentor programs for younger children, or
tutoring programs. "Teens as teachers" programs are popular both among adolescents and young children. The younger
children enjoy learning from teens, whom they look up to, and teens gain a sense of contribution and confidence when
teaching young children.
Most important is to talk with young men about what it means to be a man, and how our society looks as men and boys.
Adults can share their experiences growing up, and talk with young men about what they expect and hope for them as
adults. Young boys often only hear the stereotypes; it is important that they can talk about with their parents and other
adults about their values, beliefs, and expectations.
How can adults play a role to help young men as they develop?
Talk. As we have mentioned, it is important to talk with young men – and young women – about male and female roles, masculinity and femininity, and your values. They want to know, and need to hear it from adults.
Encourage. Young men need to learn how to express emotions in a healthy way. Encourage them to talk about frustrations rather than act them out.
Don't lower your expectations. Many people let boys "off the hook" when it comes to emotions, assuming that they are not as good as girls at expressing their feelings, or that they are naturally prone to act out in anger or aggression. Begin early on to expect boys and young men to respect their emotions, and the emotions of others.
Examine your own expectations. The adults of today experienced all of the stereotypes that boys grow up with when they were young. Think about the stereotypes that are limiting in your own life, and work to avoid passing them on to the next generation.
- Sources and futher reading:
- Boys will be Men, Paul Kivel, 1999.
- Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, Daniel Kindlon and Michael Thompson, 1999.
- Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, Owl Books, 1999.
- On the web:
- http://www.williampollack.com/
- Sources:
- Claudia Miller, "Boys will be Boys." Children's Advocate, July-August 1999.
This Ups and Downs was contributed and edited by Stephen T. Russell, Ph.D.,
Assistant Youth Development Cooperative Extension Specialist, University
of California, Davis
If you have any questions about this newsletter or would like more information
you may contact
Dr. Stephen T. Russell, 4-H
Youth Development Cooperative Extension Specialist