October 2002

Parents Essential to Development:

Character Begins at Home

Being a parent is the hardest and most important job you will ever have. If you are like most parents, the only training you ever get is on the job. Many parents don't realize that developing children's character is as vital as their health and education.

Six essential words called the six pillars of character are the focus of this edition-trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring and citizenship. The TEAM approach (teach, enforce, advocate and model) will also be discussed, as well as ways to make those six words a meaningful part of your adolescent's life.

Character is who we really are. It's what we do when no one is looking. It's the accumulation of thoughts, values, words and actions that become the habits that comprise our character. Parents shouldn't be intimidated by changes taking place in their adolescent and by the increasing importance of peer influence. The family is the primary character-building force in a child's life and although kids never want to admit it, they really want their parent's help in entering the world with as much trustworthiness, respect, responsibility fairness, caring and citizenship as possible.

Trustworthiness is being honest, telling the truth and the whole truth, keeping promises and being loyal so people can trust you. Trustworthy people have integrity and the moral courage to do the right thing and stand up for their beliefs, even when it is hard to do.

Respect means showing others that they are valued for who they are-for their character-not how they look or what they have. It means treating others the way you want to be treated. A respectful person is polite, does not use hurtful language and never uses violence.

Responsibility is doing what you are supposed to do. Responsible people think ahead, set reasonable goals, and always do their best. They are accountable for the consequences of their choices and they don't blame others for their mistakes.

Fairness is playing by the rules, taking turns, sharing and listening. Fair people do not take advantage of others. They consider all sides before they decide and don't blame others unjustly.

Caring is being kind, helpful and generous to everyone. Caring people are not selfish. They have compassion and empathy, they care how others feel and they are charitable and forgiving. They do good deeds without thought of reward.

Citizenship is doing your share to help your family and to make your community a better place. Good citizens cooperate with others, obey laws and rules, protect the environment, and respect the authority of parents, teachers and others.

Utilizing the TEAM approach is helpful for parents in developing their child's character. They need to teach by explaining things, discussing rules, requirements and consequences, and giving lots of praise, appreciation and corrections, as well as positive and negative feedback. Parents enforce by providing the boundaries that teens want and need. They advocate by encouraging teens to live up to the six pillars of character and providing consequences for improper conduct. The final step is the toughest-to model good character. Parents need to be careful about setting a good example in everything they say and do. And when they mess up-something humans tend to do-they need to own up to their mistakes.

Building Character: What's a Parent to Do?

Give Trustworthiness Your Honest Effort

• Return things you borrow, lost items to their owner, the extra change when a cashier gives you more than you're due. (The kids are watching!)
• Have a "thought for the day" (or week or month).
• Establish family rules and policies, which include honesty, promise-keeping, loyalty and integrity
• Praise family members daily for their trustworthy behavior.
• Discuss the importance of integrity, of being able to look at yourself in the mirror.
• Select character-building movies, videos, magazines and books for your home.
• Surround your family with people who clearly value trustworthiness above financial success or popularity.

Help Your Family Show Respect

• Be polite to each other, your children, family guests and everyone else.
• Celebrate the uniqueness of individual in your family and neighborhood.
• Develop family guidelines for treating each other with courtesy.
• Discuss specific, respectful behaviors that each family member appreciates.
• Discuss the implications of disrespectful jokes or comments you hear.

Promote Responsibility at Home

• List one household task on each of a series of index cards. Shuffle the cards and let family members draw assignments they are to complete daily or weekly.
• Develop a daily or weekly responsibility checklist.
• Acknowledge responsible behavior. Be specific.
• Discuss irresponsible behavior in movies, TV and discuss the ways the person or group should have behaved.

Emphasize Fairness in Your Family

• Develop family rules that are appropriate for varying age and skill levels
• Utilize the family rules as criteria for getting special privileges
• Play a game by the rules
• Discuss fair ways to choose a movie, restaurant or vacation

Creating a Caring Climate in Your Home

• Be kind to each other, your children, their friends, guests and others.
• Establish a code of conduct to discourage sarcasm, name-calling, and put-downs.
• Create your own random acts of kindness plan. Select a good deed to do anonymously during the week.
• Select and discuss caring characters from literature, movies and TV. Choose uncaring examples and verbally "rewrite" the scripts to show caring instead.

Show Good Citizenship

• Create a list of community responsibilities and privileges.
• Participate in local celebrations.
• Have a family referendum in which family members vote on local, state or national issues.
• In conversation, use citizenship-related words such as rights, obligations, duty, community, selflessness, law and government.

This issue of Ups & Downs utilizes materials from the CHARACTER COUNTS! program with the permission of author Peggy Adkins. Ups & Downs is edited by Gary Heusel, State 4-H Program Leader, 4-H Youth Development, University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension.