March 2003
My Teen Doesn't Need Hug–Wrong
The "hugs" may just come in very strange (and sneaky) forms, sometimes.
Parents of middle school- and high school-age youth often seemed shocked when I share with them the reminder that their children still need the touches of their mom and dad. And while the "warm fuzzy" idea of remaining physically in touch has some appeal in its own right, the science behind a loving physical touch builds an ironclad case for maintaining this as standard operating procedure.
Loving (which includes playful) physical touch is a matter of keeping your child connected to you from a place in her or his brain against which the child is biologically helpless to resist–although, you may not believe that for about six years during this period of their development.
The "helplessness" comes from a connection that lies deep within their brainstem that helps them unconsciously recall triggers that have connected them to their parents even before they were born. These triggers, while subtle (and perhaps seemingly inoperable many days during this important developmental stage), maintain pathways to a most-profound and basic need–attachment–that is so well known by parents of young children and early childhood educators, but so overlooked by too many parents of teens and other adults who work with youth.
The Triune Brain
The brain develops in three stages–the "Reptilian Brain," the "Emotional (Feeling) Brain," and the "Thinking Brain"–and those stages develop in the same order, first the Reptilian, then the Emotional, and finally, the Thinking Brain. The Thinking Brain ("cortex") does not begin to develop until around age 10, so both genetically and with each individual on this planet, this area of brain growth is always less developed than the other two. The Reptilian Brain, which begins developing at conception, is always the most mature, and is what keeps our heart pumping, our brains operating, and our autonomous nervous system running. This "brain," housed in the central core of our brain mass, is connected most directly to our brainstem, causing our physical bodies to move and function. This is the area that handles the development and maturation of the five senses: hearing, sight, taste, smell and touch.
The Emotional Brain (limbic system) begins developing a few months in utero, and is the portion of the brain that generates so much attention by early childhood educators. This brain is the "socio-emotional pace car" for each of us.
A well-nurtured young brain will help set in motion a life pattern of handling stress without over-reacting. For example, a child raised in a chaotic or dangerous environment will have a much harder time learning to function in her or his world without creating chaos or danger as an adult. The Emotional Brain and the Reptilian Brain are very closely connected, and the Emotional Brain–because it got an earlier start–will always be faster to react than its latent neighbor, the Thinking Brain.
The Thinking Brain, again the final area of the brain to develop, begins its growth around age 10. This brain starts firing flashes of its new ability in ways that cause youth to challenge things like family rules, conventional values and the law. Just like every area, this Thinking Brain requires time–and nurturing–for it to develop fully. In the external, social world, we call this growth period, "adolescence."
Now, back to hugging
So what does all this have to do with hugging? Until you understand the three stages of healthy brain development, parents and educators can't fully appreciate the importance of the human touch. Touching is one of the five senses. When you hug or touch, you trigger a part of the brain that once meant safety, comfort and being fed. Granted, when your child is 15 and screaming at you, she or he may not seem real open to your outstretched arms, which her/his Thinking Brain knows you mean, "Come to Mama and give me a hug."
Parents of early and mid-teen youth often must get creative about "hugging" their children. For example, I discovered that just "accidentally" bumping into them in the hallway allowed me to make a physical connection. "Inadvertently" (ha!) touching them as I reached over their shoulder to get something from the center of the dinner table allowed me to generate touch. Wrestling on the floor, or playfully re-engaging them in a long-since forgotten childhood ritual (instead of my son sitting on my lap, occasionally I would just sit on his for a quick moment–and instant overreaction). If I was ever asked to look at a sliver or scratch, I looked closely and with a little extra attention to the area with my finger touching near the affected area–while my other hand "stabilized" her or his affected area "so I could see better (wink, wink)." Occasionally, I even lay beside them while they were sleeping–being careful not to awaken them–just so I would know that I'd touched them that day.
I hadn't become aware of any of this brain development science at the time my four children were going through their adolescent stages. In fact, these were merely "teen years" to me. But once employed to research and develop a curriculum to help parents prevent substance use and abuse in their young adolescents, I discovered a deeper explanation of what I had been doing by reorienting myself to touching my children. It's a pretty simple concept, and oh, how profoundly it works. Loving (and playful) touch between parent and child will reignite triggers in the brain that reach to the brain's core. It's pretty tough for a young person to defend against a parent well-armed with knowledge about how the brain works.
So now that my children are in their late 20s and early 30s, you know what they get from me? It may be a squeeze on the knee, or playing with their hair, or an informal backrub–or it may be a plop into one's lap. But rarely will a visit go by but what my grown children will receive a touch from their mom. I doubt that they notice. That's okay. I know I'm reminding their "oldest" brain that we're still connected.
About the Author
Shirley K. Trout is a PhD Candidate at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. She is a former parent education director with a statewide prevention organization and has written a book, Light Dances: Illuminating Families with Laughter and Love, and parenting curriculum, Humor in Your Home Doesn't Mean Your Home is a Joke! She is also a professional speaker and educator who teaches about the power of humor in the human experience. Shirley is serving a two-year term as president of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor. She can be reached at strout@teachablemoments.com, or by calling 402-786-3100.
Resources
Ups and Downs is edited by Gary Heusel, State 4-H Program Leader, 4-H Youth Development, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cooperative Extension. For questions or comments, contact Nancy Swarts at 402-472-8209 or nswarts2@unl.edu.
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