June 2002
Spending Time with Teens
Research shows that spending time together is one of the six qualities of strong families. According to researcher Nick Stinnett, an important finding is that strong families intentionally cut down on the number of outside activities and involvements in order to minimize fragmentation of their family life.
Families often have difficulty getting everyone together for family time, and families with teens may find it even more challenging.
Child development experts have long discussed the importance of peer relationships to pre-teens and teens, but families provide a special kind of relationship that cannot be replaced or duplicated by peers. When teens spend time with their families, especially with parents, - they receive the kind of support that provides an important contribution to their overall development.
The greater the parent's support and time together with youth, the greater the adolescent's success in areas such as self-esteem, moral behavior, and school achievement. Whether it's eating meals together, working side by side, or playing and relaxing together, the unique kind of nurturing that comes from family interaction has a positive effect on the development of teens.
According to James Garbarino at Cornell University, some youth lack the sense of stability and belonging that can occur in families. If they do not build this bond within their family, they may seek out other, less positive, sources to fulfill the need to belong.
There's no doubt that nurturing a loving relationship takes time. In addition to "family time," it's a good idea for parents to protect some one-on-one time with their teen. Spending time alone with your adolescent can be a wonderful way to stay connected.
Ask your teen what he or she enjoys doing with you, and then set a time to do it together. It might take the whole day or just ten minutes after school.
If your teen's active schedule doesn't fit yours, make a special effort to fit into your teen's schedule. Your adolescent will appreciate knowing that he or she is important enough for you to make time together a priority.
Strong Families Specialize in Togetherness
Many activities and people compete for the time and attention of teens and their parents. Strong families are not exempt from these pressures, but they have learned some creative ways to eke out time for their family:
1. Share meals together on a regular basis. Use the time while sitting around the table together to share good news and problems or just to keep up on current events. Use it to plan upcoming events and talk about schedules for the day ahead, or simply use the time to enjoy each other. (Hint: Mealtime is enhanced by turning off the television and turning on the answering machine.)
2. Work together as a team to get chores done. A key to good communication between parents and teens is having some time together for "just talking." It might happen while preparing a meal together, changing the oil on the family car, or working in the garden. Sometimes busy hands make it easier for a teen to talk about what may be on his or her mind. Working near each other offers wonderful possibilities for sharing thoughts, ideas and concerns.
3. Play together. Whether it's an indoor activity like playing cards, board games, or putting together a puzzle; or outdoor activities like a picnic, playing croquet on the lawn, or flying a kite, time spent playing together provides excellent opportunities for family members to interact. (Note: Many strong families feel that television is an interruption that demands too much attention, so they set strict limits on the use of TV in their homes.)
4. Celebrate special events. Personal "special events" such as birthdays, getting good grades on a report card, or an outstanding musical, athletic or drama performance rank right up there with Thanksgiving and other holidays as important times for families to celebrate together. It doesn't have to be a major production, just a special time to honor the event.
5. Participate in community activities. Volunteering as a family for a local service project also provides a chance to work or play together. At the same time it helps teens develop a sense of pride in being a contributing member of their community. Attending school, 4-H or spiritual events together are other ways that families can show support for each other and enjoy time together.
Web Resources:
University of Nebraska Extension: http://nuforfamilies.unl.edu/TimeTogether.htm
Auburn University: http://www.aces.edu/department/extcomm/publications/he/he-782/he-782.html
Ohio State University Extension: http://ohioline.osu.edu/flm98/fs02.html
References: Benson, P. L. & Galbraith, J. What Kids Need to Succeed: Proven Practical Ways to Raise Good Kids. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, Inc, 1995.
Lickona, Thomas. Raising Good Children. New York: Bantam Books, 1994.
Stinnett, Nick & DeFrain, John. Secrets of Strong Families. New York: Berkley Books, 1985.
This issue of Ups & Downs was contributed by Connie Francis, Extension Educator, Lincoln and McPherson Counties, University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension.
Ups & Downs is edited by Rosalie Bakken, Ph.D., Adolescent Development Specialist, University of Nebraska.