January 2003

Part 2–Sexual Abstinence:

The Best Choice for Adolescents

This issue of Ups & Downs is based on research conducted by Dr. Douglas Abbott, Professor in Family and Consumer Sciences, University of Nebraska-Lincoln. In Part 1, "Sexual Abstinence: The Best Choice for Adolescents," several factors that influence Nebraska teens to be chaste before marriage were discussed. Part 2 will discuss how teens are able to stay abstinent in spite of the social pressures to engage in premarital sex.

In a survey of 58 abstinent 11th and 12th graders, they were asked if it was difficult to stay abstinent or if there were any disadvantages to abstinence. Surprisingly, 85 percent of the teens said they encountered few problems. Most made comments like: "I have no problems," or "I haven't run into any problems yet," or "My friends accept my decision."

The few minor difficulties were: (a) teasing or mild ridicule by peers, (b) at times having some unrelieved sexual tension, or (c) feeling pressured by a dating partner to have sex. Here are some of their comments.

"The peer pressure is hard sometimes, but if you stand firm in your beliefs it's not a problem."

"It's very hard to have self-control because everyone in our culture gives sex the okay. But it can be done."

"Nowadays, hardly anyone is a virgin before they marry so you kind of feel like an oddball."

The teens were then asked what they did to stay abstinent. Six strategies were identified. Teen comments follow each strategy.

1. They have a strong, personal commitment to abstinence. It was an inner decision, not forced on them by parents or pastors. They believed in the benefits of abstinence.

"It is just what I have decided and I don't listen to outside influences. "

"You set down your standards before hand, and stick to them." "I am a happy person because I have peace about my decision to wait. "

"Temporary pleasure is not worth it to me. Sex is not making them happy."

2. They hang out with friends who believe in abstinence. Peer support is very important.

"My close friends share my views. Their support is immensely helpful."

"I have friends with the same values."

"I surround myself with friends who have similar values."

3. They avoid places, things and people that would encourage premarital sex.

"I try to avoid the situations that make it harder to resist temptations."

"I don't watch or read about people who think premarital sex is OK."

"I don't listen to music, watch movies, read books or magazines or hang out with people that encourage sex."

"I group date, and my parents help by knowing where I am and asking me to be home at specific times."

4. They remind themselves of the benefits and rewards of chastity.

"I remind myself that sex will be so much more special, exciting, and uninhibited (free of worry, guilt) in marriage. The wait will be worth it."

"The benefits are enormous and fulfilling. By abstaining I grow in my relationship with God, and it shows my husband that I love him and God."

"I just look at some of my peers and how drugs, alcohol and sex are messing up their lives–and they don't realize it. I don't ever want to be that stupid–I won't ever be that stupid."

5. They get help from God to avoid temptations. Spiritual assistance is a real thing.

"Prayer. I just think of how happier my life will be if I wait."

"God has given me the courage and perseverance to abstain from premarital sex."

"I just pray for help to stay strong and stick to my choices."

"I turn to God for help. He constantly reminds me His way is always best."

6. They focus on their long-term goals. They realize the premarital sex can complicate the future.

"I set challenging goals that leave little time to think about sex."

"I have a lot of goals, and I don't want things to stop me from achieving those."

"Choosing abstinence…there will be no road-blocks in my career and goals."

"I have a lot planned for my life, and the last thing I need is a baby!"

Adults Can Make a Difference

Now what are the implications of these findings for parents, teachers and religious leaders? First, the motivation to stay abstinent comes from within the person, not from external pressure or punishments, though these latter two can temporarily help! You can't force a teen to abstain from sex. The adolescent must internalize the values, and then the outward behavior will follow. Adults can use any of these five strategies to help teens internalize the belief in and value of abstinence before marriage.

1. Use "authoritative" discipline which involves choices, giving reasons, explaining consequences, using moderate control that is not too strict, flexible rules as they age, and giving warm, supportive feedback.

2. Have open and frank communication with teens about sex. Don't assume they are not listening to you. Many teens do listen and seriously consider what you say, though they may not acknowledge it. Don't preach. Have a conversation not a lecture!

3. Teens need to hear the abstinence message from other people in addition to parents. Older siblings and other teens can be powerful persuaders. Youth leaders at church or in sports can help reinforce the abstinence message. Encourage their friendships with likeminded youth and help them get together for activities and parties.

4. If you help teens set goals and plan for the future, they will see that premarital sex will not help them get what they want. Early sexual involvement is a stumbling block, not a stepping stone to future success and happiness.

5. Guard your teen from promiscuous influences. Limit TV and videos to PG-13. Set and enforce curfews. I tell my own teens that like Cinderella, "Nothing good happens after midnight!" Monitor the teen's activities–know where the teen is and who the teen is with. Restrict dating to same age peers. Don't allow a teen to date someone much older.

"Because promiscuity floods our culture, I often feel like the little Dutch boy who tried to plug the dike with his fingers, hoping to hold back the tide. It seems impossible to stop, but we can encourage some youth on a small scale–in our homes, churches or classrooms–to be abstinent. Abstinence is neither an old fashioned ideal, nor an impractical expectation. It can be done, and it is the best choice for our teenagers!" –Dr. Douglas Abbott, University of Nebraska

This issue of Ups & Downs was submitted by Dr. Doug Abbott, Professor in Family and Consumer Sciences, University of Nebraska-Lincoln, and edited by Gary Heusel, State 4-H Program Leader, 4-H Youth Development, University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension.

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