December 2002

Sexual Abstinence:

The Best Choice for Adolescents

As if being on the roller coaster of adolescence isn't tough enough, some youth also experience the aftermath of divorce. Teens often feel the pain more than parents realize. Ordinarily they are pretty resilient with most life events, but divorce requires more education and support than most other situations.

Children are encouraged from birth to become independent. Few parents think about increased independence as training to survive divorce. Divorce requires children–especially adolescents–to assume independence and adult responsibilities. Needless to say, many youth are not ready for such responsibility.

Past rebellious behavior or bad decision-making may lead the adolescent to assume guilt for the divorce. But parents are responsible for the separation, and need to provide age-appropriate information to help their adolescent grow in spite of it.

Talking to a counselor or attending a support group for children of divorce may lessen the tension and fears. A support group allows adolescents to see that others experience similar feelings.

Indicators of Behavior Change

Research shows that adolescents undergoing the stress of divorce are most at risk for unplanned pregnancies, running away, gang membership and aggressive behavior, and the use of alcohol and drugs.

Indicators of adolescent behavior change due to conflict within the family may include:

• change in academic performance

• loss of enthusiasm for group activities

• loss of enthusiasm for hobbies

• aggressive reactions to situations

• increased illnesses

• change in friends

• prolonged isolation

Gender Response to Divorce

Do girls or boys adjust better to divorce?

"Over time, all children showed improved adjustment," said Anne Copeland, who researched adjustment to divorce in 160 families in the Boston area.

In her study, Copeland found a significant difference in how aggression was expressed. Boys often were identified as bullies and problems in the classroom. When left unchecked, that aggressive behavior generally led to an early introduction to the juvenile justice system.

Copeland found that girls tended to internalize their aggression by crying, pouting and use of manipulation. They also experienced more headaches and stomach aches. Girls were also more likely than boys to turn to someone of the opposite sex to find comfort and a renewed sense of importance which often led to teen pregnancy.

Communicating Feelings

Adolescents often grieve for the loss of family memories more than younger kids. Shock and denial, anger, depression and detachment, bargaining and dialogue, and finally acceptance are the grief cycle stages experienced by adolescents during a divorce.

Parents can help adolescents transition through their grief by:

• listening

• helping their teen identify feelings

• communicating using "I" messages

• remaining calm

• assuring the teen of their love

A Family Broken

From the moment I heard my Dad was leaving

I wanted to cry and I started screaming.

“Why is this happening to me?” I said

Why is my Daddy going away?”

My mom told me that everything is going to be alright

My eyes just started to fill up with tears

I thought, "What would I do without my daddy here?"

He has been there for me through good times and bad

But now he has left and it makes me sad.

I learned that even though my parents are not together

They will always love me forever and ever.

Shelly, 16

Whose Conflict is it Anyway?

Conflict between parents is very hard for teenagers to deal with. It is considered the most upsetting part of life throughout the process of a divorce or separation.

What can an adolescent do?

• Communicate with both parents

• Let parents manage their conflict

• Stay out of the middle of discussions

• Don't manipulate situations

• Don't take sides or spy

• Don't carry stories

• Accept each parent for who they are

My Parents Are Dating!

To teens, often the thought of parents dating is gross! Once Mom or Dad begins to date, adolescents realize their parents are sexual beings–and no kid wants to go there!

Dating takes careful timing and communication for adolescent acceptance, but teens understand somewhat since they’ve probably split up with a boyfriend or girlfriend a time or two themselves.

Will They Survive?

Not only do teens survive, but many thrive, states E. Mavis Heatherington in her comprehensive study of divorce in America.

"Although they looked back on their parents' breakup as a painful experience, most were successfully going about the chief tasks of young adulthood: establishing careers, creating intimate relationships [and] building meaningful lives for themselves. Most unexpectedly–since it has seldom been reported before–a majority of young adults emerged from divorce and postnuclear family life enhanced."

"At first I felt sorry for myself, doing more chores at home, plus holding down a full-time job. Then I realized I was handling everything and I felt great." Gabby, 17

Sources:

Bode, Janet and Mack, Stan. For Better, For Worse–A Guide to Surviving Divorce for Preteens and Their Families. New York: Simon and Schuster, 2001.

Heatherington, E. Mavis and Kelly, John. For Better or For Worse–Divorce Reconsidered. New York: W.W. Norton &Company, 2002.

Singer, Janet. Preparing Your Child For Divorce. Family Advocate, Vol. 21, No. 1 American Bar Association.

Stewart, Abigail J., et.al. Separating Together–How Divorce Transforms Families. New York: Guilford Press, 1997.

Swan-Jackson, Alys. When Your Parents Split Up–How to Keep Yourself Together. PSS! Price Stern Sloan, 1997.

Worthen, Tom. Broken Hearts. . . Healing–Young Poets Speak Out on Divorce. Logan Utah: Poet Tree Press, 2001.

This issue of Ups & Downs was submitted by Dr. Doug Abbott, Professor in Family and Consumer Sciences, University of Nebraska-Lincoln, and edited by Gary Heusel, State 4-H Program Leader, 4-H Youth Development, University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension.

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