December 2001

Growing up on Display

The holiday season is a time when many parents look forward to family togetherness and annual rituals that often include close friends and relatives. But as children approach adolescence, they may no longer relish holiday get-togethers. In fact, the child who just a year or two ago enjoyed these special times may now dread them.

Part of the reason for this may be that youngsters would rather be with friends than with family. There may, however, be other reasons for ambivalence–other factors that make the idea of a family get-together uncomfortable for adolescents.

Teens and preteens may be experiencing weight, height, shape and sexual changes that make them incredibly sensitive to the scrutiny of others, including well-meaning friends and relatives. It is not uncommon for young teenagers' bodies to be out of proportion because they are experiencing growth spurts, and their body parts do not grow at the same time or rate. The head, hands and feet are usually the first areas of the body to go through a period of rapid growth during adolescence, followed by growth in arms and legs, and finally the torso "catches up."

During adolescence, there also are increases in both fat and muscle tissue for boys and girls. Muscles develop more quickly in boys, however, while growth of fat tissue is more pronounced in girls. This slight to moderate increase in level of body fat is perfectly normal for adolescent females, yet it is sometimes the source of great concern among them. Many girls begin dieting at this time, even when their weight is in the healthy range for their age and height.

Feelings of self-consciousness and dissatisfaction with the body are more likely among girls whose bodies mature earlier than their peers. On the other hand, self-consciousness is also common among male and female teens that begin to mature later than most of their peers. Making comparisons between height and appearance of several adolescent children who are about the same age can make later bloomers feel especially insecure. Well-meaning attention from relatives, along with such comments as, "You've really filled out," and "You're looking all grown up," can deepen the discomfort and awkwardness that a preadolescent already feels.

Proud parents may want to show off their children, but to an early adolescent, it is a trial to be thrust into the spotlight to perform for adoring friends and relatives. Requests such as "Let Aunt Catherine hear how well you play the piano" are very likely to make your preteen cringe.

Parents: Try Standing in Their Shoes

It is sometimes difficult for parents to remember that even youngsters who are successful in school and other areas of life often have some bad feelings about themselves at this age. Being put on display just makes these feelings worse.

Problems can be prevented, or at least minimized, if you make an effort to be on your children's side and recognize their feelings. It may help if you and your preteen talk before the family gathering. Acknowledge your adolescent's growing independence and interests outside the family, as well as their possible mixed feelings about so much family togetherness. You can point out to your children that relatives love them and are interested in them, so it's inevitable that they will ask personal questions such as "Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend yet?" or make comments that your child may find embarrassing.

For your part, you might promise, "No command piano recitals will be required of you this year." Then give your youth permission to remind you of your promise if, for some reason, you forget it.

Even with preparation, all may not go smoothly, and your child may have to live with some embarrassment at the hands of well-meaning relatives. In this situation, your best strategy is to sympathize, emphasizing again that the relatives mean well. Then, perhaps later, the two of you can share a laugh together.

Sources:

Comer, J. P. (December 1997, p. 198). When your child is on display. Parent's Magazine.

Lingren, H. G. (1990). Discipline: An effective life guide. NebGuide G90-985. Lincoln, NE: University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension Division.

Lingren, H. G. (1996). Gangs: The new family. NebGuide G96-1294-A. Lincoln, NE: University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension Division.

Lingren, H. G. (1997). Listening with your heart as well as your ears. NebGuide G92-1092-A. Lincoln, NE: University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension Division.

Lingren, H. G. (September 1998). Children and stress. NebFact NF98-388. Lincoln, NE: University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension Division.

Steinberg, L. (1999). Adolescence (5th Ed.). Boston: McGraw-Hill.

This issue of Ups & Downs was contributed by Debra E. Schroeder, Extension Educator, Cuming County, University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension.

“Ups & Downs” is edited by Rosalie Bakken, Ph.D., Adolescent Development Specialist, University of Nebraska, and co-edited by Stephen Russell, Ph.D., 4-H Youth Development Specialist, University of California-Davis.