Self-Talk: Key to Self Esteem

How can adults help children think good thoughts about themselves? Even though parents and teachers can be supportive, their words can only go so far. Ultimately, children have to believe in their own abilities--and supply their own positive messages--if they're going to be able to handle life's frustrations in a healthy way.

Children have their own internal dialogues going on, much the way adults do. In fact, even though parents aren't always aware of it, children talk to themselves from the time they master the meaning of words. And the messages they send, "I can" or "I can't," "I am" or "I'm not," have tremendous impact on every aspect of their lives, from how well they do in school to how freely they take on new challenges and dream big dreams.

"Self-talk can become part of a negative cycle that damages self-esteem or a positive one that strengthens it," says educator Douglas Bloch, coauthor of Positive Self-Talk for Children (Bantam). "When a child does poorly on a test and says to himself, 'I'm so stupid, I'll never get this,' he sets himself up to fail again. But if he says, 'I'll pay better attention next time and ask questions if I don't understand,' he's apt to try harder and improve."

Positive self-talk can increase confidence. The idea of self-talk as a tool that can help or hurt individuals is not a new one. In recent decades mental-health professionals have recognized the conscious use of self-talk as a powerful force for changing the way individuals think, feel and behave. When used in adult therapy sessions, this technique has proved highly effective in treating depression and other mental disorders.

Its premise is simple: What you say to yourself affects your thoughts and actions. Negative self-talk can lead to negative moods and a sense of hopelessness, whereas positive self-talk can lead to a happier, more optimistic outlook on life. Without a doubt, a child's ability to silence the inner critic can help him maintain a healthy sense of self-worth. But experts note that the benefits of this type of internal communication go beyond enhancing self-esteem.

Positive inner speech can help youngsters confront and deal with their fears. A child who is afraid of the dark might learn to tell herself, "I'm six, and I'm a brave girl." In the face of adversity, kids who give themselves strong positive messages are apt to feel, "I can handle this."

In addition, positive self-talk fosters a child's sense of autonomy and independence. It helps kids develop their own strong self-images--instead of depending on the opinions of others.

Positive self-talk boosts school performance. But the one place where children's internal dialogue can really make a difference is in the classroom. In one study of 487 youngsters ages 8 to 18, for example, those using positive self-talk reported much less anxiety over typical stressors (such as grades and evaluations by teachers) than those who routinely assumed the worst. Given the dramatic impact of self-communication on children, it's important for parents to be aware of the kinds of messages their kids send themselves. But they're not always easy to figure out.

How can parents get a sense of whether their child's inner voice is building her up or tearing her down? With young children, try using a third party, such as a favorite doll or stuffed animal, to find out what is on your preschooler's mind. Children often project their own thoughts onto these beloved creatures, so you might ask why Teddy or Bunny said he was bad. You can then convey messages you'd like your child to internalize--for instance, 'Teddy is a good bear who just has to remember not to hit.' To decipher the self-talk of a school-age child, try asking him to draw a picture of himself and exploring what he thinks about this person as he sketches. Or ask your child to look in a mirror and talk about the boy he sees.

Here are additional suggestions for helping kids accentuate the positive:

. Model positive self-talk in your life. One mom often told her three kids the story of how she learned to play tennis. "At first, every time I went onto the court I'd say to myself, 'I'll never be able to do this. I can't hit the ball.' And sure enough, I'd miss. But then I started to practice and tell myself, 'I'm getting better.' When I played, I'd say, 'I can hit the ball as well as anyone.'" Now, as her children know, she plays in the local league, thanks to the turnaround in her thinking.

. Offer unconditional affirmations of your love. A statement like, "I'm glad you're my kid" or "I love being your dad," encourages youngsters to think of themselves as worthwhile, lovable human beings. These thoughts, in turn, create a kind of psychological trust fund kids can draw on to affirm themselves.

. Give credible compliments. If a child prints poorly or is in the slowest reading group, he knows it--and saying he's doing great in school won't ring true. But you can tell him that if he keeps working at it, his printing or reading will get better. This type of reality-based encouragement helps a child to focus his self-talk on the effort he's making, not on the outcome he can't always control.

. Stress their strengths. When children get wrapped up in what they can't do, they lose sight of their positive qualities and tend to get down on themselves. To balance the scales, encourage your child to regularly take a mental inventory of his special talents or abilities: Perhaps he's good at math, or is a talented piano player, or draws well.

. Teach youngsters to tailor self-talk to specific challenges. First, ask your child to focus on what she'd like to have happen, whether it's making the soccer team or winning the spelling bee. Next, have her make a positive, present-tense statement that starts with "I" and focuses on what she wants, not what she doesn't want. For example, "I'm making the team," or "I'm winning the dramatic reading contest."

. Add images to words. Encourage your child to develop a vivid mental picture of what she wants to have happen and to focus on that image for a few minutes each day. For example, a child who wants to become a better basketball player could spend time picturing himself successfully shooting free throws. This technique, called visual rehearsal, works because the brain and the nervous system can't tell the difference between a real event and an imagined one. Thus, mentally performing a skill such as making free throws can be just as beneficial as actually going on the court and doing it.

. Believe in the power of self-talk. If your child is struggling with a particular problem, you may not see an immediate change in his attitude. But don't give up. He's apt to catch on; it just may take a little practice. "Kids are like plants," says Bloch. "They naturally turn toward anything that helps them grow."

Source: Diane Hales, WORKING MOTHER, January 1995.

The TV Habits of Eighth-grade Kids

How much TV does the average eighth-grader watch? According to new research conducted by the Department of Education's National Center for Education Statistics, youngsters this age spend an average of 21.4 hours a week watching TV. This is almost four times the number of hours spent doing homework (5.6 per week) and 12 times the number of hours spent on non-academic, outside reading (l.8 per week). The study found that compared with boys, girls spend about a half-hour more each week on outside reading and more time doing homework.

The amount of television-watching seems to vary by school type. Students in private schools spend more time on homework than those in public schools; private-school pupils spend fewer hours in front of the TV than do students in public or parochial schools.

Developmental Tasks of Adolescence

As youngsters travel through adolescence, there are many developmental tasks they need to complete successfully. Some of the lesser-known tasks are:

. Loosening of the infantile object ties. This can mean leaving home, family, or childhood friends for a new environment, namely college or work.

. Integration of residual childhood trauma. Early events such as a serious illness or injury or loss of a parent through death or separation may still need to be worked through. Although the adolescent may have understood the event cognitively, his emotional understanding of death's finality, for instance, won't occur until mid-adolescence. A 13-year-old's brief period of mourning for a father who died when he was five might be the first sign of a maturational shift to an abstract mode of thinking.

. Continuity of the adolescent's life and family history. One cannot anticipate a future without awareness of one's past. Adolescence is the time when many people question their origins, search for their roots and/or attempt to re-establish relationships with divorced parents.

. Establishment of personal identity. Gender identity in terms of sexual role and object choice are solidified in adolescence. An integrated self-concept begins to emerge at this time.

Source: CHILD AND ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR LETTER, Vol. 11, No. 10, October 1995.