Enriching Families - October 1998

October 1998

Telling Children You're Getting a Divorce

One of the most difficult things in life is telling your children that you're getting a divorce. Parents need to select these words carefully and to use language that is appropriate to a child's level of understanding. Just as a doctor warns that a shot will hurt, be honest about the pain that's involved for your children, and for you and your spouse as well.

Don't pretend it's unimportant or make light of it. It might ease your guilt to think that you won't upset your kids, but news of your divorce is serious information. You will confuse them by not treating it that way.

For children who are unfamiliar with the word, explain that divorce means that one parent will be moving out of their home and that each parent will live in a separate home. Children also may need explanations of the words lawyer, custody and going to court.

Let your children know that feelings of love between adults can change, but the lasting bond between parent and child is a different and special kind of love.

Be sure you tell your children that they did not cause the divorce nor could they have prevented it.

Explain what will concern your children the most-their future living arrangements. Tell them as much as you can: where they will live, where the departing parent will live, and when they will spend time with each parent.

If you know you will be offering your children two homes in a shared parenting arrangement, tell them this. But don't imagine for a minute that this is a positive selling point. For example, don't say, "Lucky you, now you'll have two homes instead of just one."

Explain the details you know about expected changes. Be honest about conflicts, but don't elaborate on those that may cause anxiety, such as money. One piece of bad news at a time is enough.

Be honest, but don't make excuses for the other parent in order to minimize a child's pain. It is important to avoid attacking the other parent, but don't err in the other direction by covering for him or her.

Explain that you and their other parent cannot live together any longer, but that your separating is in no way the fault of any child.

If you've had marriage counseling, let the children know that you tried but still couldn't improve your relationship.

Let kids know they will be kept informed about changes that concern them, but don't make promises you can't keep.

Avoid blaming your spouse. Every divorce is subject to this attack. It's tempting-in divorce usually one spouse "wants" the divorce initially-but avoid it.

Let your children hear of your love for them. Let them know that you want their love for the other parent to continue to grow.

If one parent plans to move in with a lover, it will affect the children's living options. It's best to answer truthfully rather than risk loss of trust by avoiding the subject.

In some families, one parent may be immobilized and all the responsibility may fall to the other. Despite feelings of numbness and confusion on the part of that parent, the children are entitled to share in and know about the changes in their family. Unless you're beginning a trial separation, remember that it's important to tell children firmly that you will divorce and that your plans to do so are final.

Source: Vicki Lansky, Work & Family Life. Vol. 12, No. 5, May 1998.

Caregiving for the Sick

More than anything, a sick person must feel genuinely cared about. What matters most is how others interact with the one who is ill, how they show they care about what is happening to him or her, how often they visit, and how well they tend to the patient's needs. Here are some suggestions for caregivers, whether the patient is at home or in a hospital.

Be open and candid with other family members and friends about the sickness. This will tend to increase their empathy and help.

Include the children; explain the situation to them in ways they can understand; and find ways they can help. Otherwise, they may see a parent's or sibling's illness as punishment for something they have done wrong.

Be selective in choosing who should be in the patient's support network. This will save the energy and peace of mind of patient and caregiver alike.

Clearly tell family and friends how they can help. They usually want to help but may need to be told how.

Learn all you can about the disease and be prepared to discuss it. Be a good listener-if the patient wants to talk about it.

Help with some of the less glamorous tasks. These are difficult for people who are ill.

Give emotional support with hugs and a few tears, and don't try to stop the patient from crying when talking about problems and fears. Empathy and intimacy are your most important gifts.

Source: Mind/Body Health Newsletter, Vol. VII, No. 1, 1998.

Trick or Treat Safety

Some say the Celts began the practice of trick or treating by offering to buy off evil people with treats before they turned on them with tricks. Others say it started with the Druids, Celtic priests who begged for favors in exchange for the protection of souls, or with the Irish peasants, who begged for "soul cakes." The English took it a step further-they put on masks and costumes as they begged for treats, and if their treats were not forthcoming, they played tricks.

The tradition has had many changes. Questions about the safety of treats and visiting unfamiliar homes have resulted in some parents discontinuing trick or treating, preferring instead to celebrate at home. But in many communities, trick or treating is still a favorite tradition. Here are some hints for a safer, happier Halloween:: Have your child carry a flashlight, not only to help your child see but to help others see your child.

Take extra precautions with dark costumes. If your child is dressed in black, add a white face if it is appropriate. Use reflective tape on costumes.

Walk in well-lit areas with a flashlight to help prevent an accident.

Make sure your child wears a flame-resistant costume. Keep costumes short or hold up long ones while your child walks.

Watch out for other people's pets. A thoughtless neighbor may leave dogs out to roam.

Remind your children to stay on the sidewalks, and to cross the streets with an adult and not dart between cars. Drivers do not always watch for trick or treaters.

Warn your children not to eat candy before you examine it. Always check for possible tampering of candy packages.

Dress your children in their own shoes. Wearing high heels or shoes that are too large can be dangerous and uncomfortable.; Take extra precautions with dark costumes. If your child is dressed in black, add a white face if it is appropriate. Use reflective tape on costumes.

Walk in well-lit areas with a flashlight to help prevent an accident.

Make sure your child wears a flame-resistant costume. Keep costumes short or hold up long ones while your child walks.

Watch out for other people's pets. A thoughtless neighbor may leave dogs out to roam.

Remind your children to stay on the sidewalks, and to cross the streets with an adult and not dart between cars. Drivers do not always watch for trick or treaters.

Warn your children not to eat candy before you examine it. Always check for possible tampering of candy packages.

Dress your children in their own shoes. Wearing high heels or shoes that are too large can be dangerous and uncomfortable.; Walk in well-lit areas with a flashlight to help prevent an accident.

Make sure your child wears a flame-resistant costume. Keep costumes short or hold up long ones while your child walks.

Watch out for other people's pets. A thoughtless neighbor may leave dogs out to roam.

Remind your children to stay on the sidewalks, and to cross the streets with an adult and not dart between cars. Drivers do not always watch for trick or treaters.

Warn your children not to eat candy before you examine it. Always check for possible tampering of candy packages.

Dress your children in their own shoes. Wearing high heels or shoes that are too large can be dangerous and uncomfortable.; Make sure your child wears a flame-resistant costume. Keep costumes short or hold up long ones while your child walks.

Watch out for other people's pets. A thoughtless neighbor may leave dogs out to roam.

Remind your children to stay on the sidewalks, and to cross the streets with an adult and not dart between cars. Drivers do not always watch for trick or treaters.

Warn your children not to eat candy before you examine it. Always check for possible tampering of candy packages.

Dress your children in their own shoes. Wearing high heels or shoes that are too large can be dangerous and uncomfortable.; Watch out for other people's pets. A thoughtless neighbor may leave dogs out to roam.

Remind your children to stay on the sidewalks, and to cross the streets with an adult and not dart between cars. Drivers do not always watch for trick or treaters.

Warn your children not to eat candy before you examine it. Always check for possible tampering of candy packages.

Dress your children in their own shoes. Wearing high heels or shoes that are too large can be dangerous and uncomfortable.; Remind your children to stay on the sidewalks, and to cross the streets with an adult and not dart between cars. Drivers do not always watch for trick or treaters.

Warn your children not to eat candy before you examine it. Always check for possible tampering of candy packages.

Dress your children in their own shoes. Wearing high heels or shoes that are too large can be dangerous and uncomfortable.; Warn your children not to eat candy before you examine it. Always check for possible tampering of candy packages.

Dress your children in their own shoes. Wearing high heels or shoes that are too large can be dangerous and uncomfortable.; Dress your children in their own shoes. Wearing high heels or shoes that are too large can be dangerous and uncomfortable.

Healthy Marriages, Unhealthy Marriages

A good marriage is good for your health, but a troubled marriage or a divorce may be physically harmful. Many studies show that married people live longer on average than those who are single, widowed or divorced. A California research study of more than 7,500 adults found that single men between ages 45 and 54 were twice as likely to die in a period of 10 years as were married men of the same age.

However, marriage is no panacea. Marital conflict is linked to weakening certain aspects of the immune responses of newlyweds and even of couples who have been happily married for decades. Conflicts aren't bad necessarily. They're completely normal. It's the quality of the disagreement-sarcasm, name-calling and back-biting-that is the problem.

Source: Mind/Body Health Newsletter, Vol. VII, No. 1, 1998.

Today's Teens Have Not Changed

Teen-agers these days may carry beepers and wear tattoos, but as a group they still profess wholesome and even fairly conservative ideas, according to a CBS/New York Times poll. Here are some findings of the survey of 1,048 teen-agers ages 13 to 17:: 51 percent said they got along with their parents "very well," 46 percent said "fairly well." When they go out, 89 percent said they have to tell their parents where they're going.
Asked whom they admired most, 44 percent of the girls and 18 percent of the boys named their mother; 26 percent of the boys and 8 percent of the girls named their father.

Fewer than one in four said they have had sex (13 percent of younger teens, 38 percent of older teens), but almost half said they favor condom distribution in schools.

Nearly 40 percent said drugs was the biggest problem teen-agers face today. Asked to name the biggest problem in their schools, the most frequent response (16 percent) was violence.

Asked about their future, 28 percent worried about getting a good job, 11 percent about having enough money, 9 percent about being successful, 3 percent about the environment.
Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Specialist; Asked whom they admired most, 44 percent of the girls and 18 percent of the boys named their mother; 26 percent of the boys and 8 percent of the girls named their father.

Fewer than one in four said they have had sex (13 percent of younger teens, 38 percent of older teens), but almost half said they favor condom distribution in schools.

Nearly 40 percent said drugs was the biggest problem teen-agers face today. Asked to name the biggest problem in their schools, the most frequent response (16 percent) was violence.

Asked about their future, 28 percent worried about getting a good job, 11 percent about having enough money, 9 percent about being successful, 3 percent about the environment.
Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Specialist; Fewer than one in four said they have had sex (13 percent of younger teens, 38 percent of older teens), but almost half said they favor condom distribution in schools.

Nearly 40 percent said drugs was the biggest problem teen-agers face today. Asked to name the biggest problem in their schools, the most frequent response (16 percent) was violence.

Asked about their future, 28 percent worried about getting a good job, 11 percent about having enough money, 9 percent about being successful, 3 percent about the environment.
Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Specialist; Nearly 40 percent said drugs was the biggest problem teen-agers face today. Asked to name the biggest problem in their schools, the most frequent response (16 percent) was violence.

Asked about their future, 28 percent worried about getting a good job, 11 percent about having enough money, 9 percent about being successful, 3 percent about the environment.
Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Specialist; Asked about their future, 28 percent worried about getting a good job, 11 percent about having enough money, 9 percent about being successful, 3 percent about the environment.
Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Specialist