Reconsidering Family Rules

As they grow into "big" boys and girls, grade-schoolers may insist that they're old enough to choose their own outfits or walk home from the bus stop alone. Or they may complain that all the other kids can watch as much TV as they want or ride their bikes by themselves. How do you know when it's time for a rule revision? Here are some methods of weighing the pros and cons.

. Always put your child's security first. If, for instance, you feel that it's not safe for your child to ride his bicycle by himself--for whatever reason--stick to your guns.

. Explain the reasons why you feel certain policies, such as a limit on TV, are important. Note that different families have difference values.

. Allow self-expression. Within the parameters set by school or social settings, grade-schoolers should be able to select what they wear--even if their fashion sense doesn't jibe with yours.

. Before allowing greater independence, examine hypothetical situations together. For instance, ask your child what she would do if she met a large dog, or a friendly stranger, on her walk home.

. Allow some opportunities for trial-and-error learning. For example, your child may insist that he doesn't need an early start on a science project because he can complete the assignment in one evening. Let him. If he succeeds, praise him. If he doesn't he'll learn an important lesson about planning. When kids miscalculate or fail, try not to scold them. Instead, encourage them to use their experiences to make smarter choices.

Source: Kids! 6 to 10, Working Mother, March 1997.

Self-Esteem in Children

The source of a child's self-esteem shifts at around age three, moving from "I am special because I'm ME!" to "I am special because I am capable!" To keep up with these changes, parents need to modify the type of praise they give their children, according to Karen Owens, PhD, author of Raising Your Child's Inner Self-Esteem (Plenum Publishing Corp).

In the toddler years, constant parental praise provides children with a solid foundation for growth. But as kids acquire new verbal and physical skills, their parents' unconditional praise is no longer enough. "As they develop, children learn that all the 'you're great' messages are deceptive if kids don't have the skills to effectively master their environment," says Owens. Here are her suggestions for parents:

. Focus your praise on competencies your child already has. When you identify your child's strengths, you help him build on those skills. For example, if your child makes a road by combining shoe boxes with blocks, praise the achievement by saying, "Chris, you're good at solving problems. I like that!"

. Teach new skills. Preschoolers are generally ready to learn anything their parents want to teach. To become self-sufficient, young children need to learn many different types of skills, including academic, social and moral.

. Make effort count. Highlight your child's effort and persistence, rather than just the end result. Innate abilities are not the best predictors of success in school and work--sheer persistence and effort are the keys. When parents value these qualities, so will their children.

Source: Kids! 3 to 5 by Eva Conrad, Working Mother, March 1997.

Tips For Test Taking

It's about time for students to take their first test. Here are some simple strategies that they can use at examination time:

. For maximum thinking power, make sure your child gets a good night's sleep two nights before the test (in case the jitters interfere with sleep the next night) and eats a healthy breakfast on the morning of the exam.

. Quickly skimming through the entire test before starting helps children to pace themselves.

. Kids should answer all the questions they know first and circle those they leave blank.

Then they can quickly see the problems they need to go back and tackle.

. Use rhymes ("Thirty days has September") or acronyms (HOMES for the names of the Great Lakes) to help cement hard-to-recall phrases and concepts into memory. Numbers are easier to remember when they're clumped in groups of seven digits or less--like a phone number. Another potent memory aid is to use the five senses when studying. Encourage kids to read material out loud, write down its meaning and draw a related picture.

. On true-false tests, long questions and those that contain such terms as "usually" and "sometimes" are more likely to be true. Terms such as "always" and "never" are usually in false questions.

. On multiple-choice tests, children should read the question, think of an answer in their head, then compare their answer to all the choices before marking down their answer.

. To boost comprehension on tests where children must read a paragraph or two before answering questions, advise them to proceed two by two: scan the first two questions, read until they locate answers, then move on to the next two questions.

. Check for clues in other test questions. Often a term, name, date or other forgotten fact will appear elsewhere in the test.

. When in doubt, guess--unless there's a penalty for doing so. (The teacher will usually warn the students if there is one.)

Source: Diane Umansky, author of the children's book Getting Even with the Flamingos (Pocket Books).

Adolescents Need After-School Supervision

Not surprisingly, being alone after school for many hours is not a good situation for most 12- and 13-year-old kids. In a large survey of 8th graders across ethnic and socioeconomic lines, researchers from UCLA and the University of Illinois found that 12- and 13-year-olds who were home alone after school for more than eleven hours a week were more likely to use alcohol, smoke cigarettes or try marijuana. For example, 23% of kids who were unsupervised had used alcohol compared to 11% of children who were supervised; 24% had tried marijuana compared to 14% of children who were under supervision.

Of course, each home situation is unique, and other factors--such as the quality of parent-child interactions--also have an influence. But during the early teen years, when kids are likely to assert their independence, having too much time alone gives them more opportunities to engage in risk-taking behavior.

Precisely how much time kids spend alone apparently makes a big difference. Researchers have found that children alone for 1-4 hours a week were only at a slightly greater risk than kids who were never alone. The risk factor increased according to the number of hours children were unsupervised.

This poses a difficult challenge for working parents. Good after-school activities for older children are clearly needed, but there's a serious shortage of these programs in communities throughout the country. Also, although 12- and 13-year-olds may resist organized activities, this research shows the importance of making a special effort to find programs for preteens that support the development of their skills in the arts and sports, enrich their academic studies and provide opportunities for community service.

Source: Work & Family Life, Vol. 9, No. 10, October 1995.

Weather Life's Storms Together

"Home, sweet home." These words recall a haven in the turbulent storms of life. But what happens when a crisis threatens your family's foundation? "It's quite natural in a crisis for family members to distance themselves from each other because so many energies become focused on the problem," says Dr. Laura Kastner, psychologist at the University of Washington School of Medicine. "Depression, anxiety and confusion can cause alienation among family members and add more distraction to what's causing the stress."

Parents of a child who has just been diagnosed with diabetes, for example, may focus on the regimen of insulin injections and testing blood sugar levels at the expense of their marriage or individual health. Your family doesn't have to let that happen. Dealing with challenging storms in life as a family just takes some additional work.

"Stressors like illness, unemployment and financial problems have a way of absorbing a lot of our energies and attention," Kastner says. "Parents need to stay focused on maintaining family health and keep a priority on supporting family relationships." She offers these practical suggestions:

. Be realistic in sizing up a bad situation. Don't exaggerate it.

. Accept that hard times happen to everyone; you're not alone.

. Ask for help rather than trying to handle hardships by yourself.

. Take a problem-solving approach to resolving conflicts instead of blaming others for the problem.

. Keep channels of communication open and clear.

. Let other family members know you love them. Remind them "We're all in this together."

. Tolerate and accept differences in one another.

. Be willing to address, rather than ignore, unresolved family issues that come up during stressful times.

. Avoid substance abuse.

. When problems arise, negotiate a solution among involved family members instead of using force or violence.