October 1995

Fun and Safety at Halloween

On October 31, we celebrate Halloween the night when ghosts and goblins roam about and jack-o-lanterns light up the night sky. Halloween participants might view commercialization, vandalism, and candy-tampering as modern evil spirits. While pagans protected themselves with glowing jack-o-lanterns and garish costumes designed to frighten witches, ghosts and goblins, today s secular community has more prosaic responses.

One of the best ways to protect children and young adults from twentieth century spooks is to follow common-sense safety techniques. Halloween safety is the first priority in most people s minds. Sending an older child out with a younger one does not necessarily guarantee safety during door-to-door trick-or-treating. Sending a 10-year old out with a 6-year old does not mean that the 10-year-old is responsible and safe. It s better if a parent goes along.

Parents should investigate how the local community celebrates Halloween. Local papers often list all the officially sponsored activities, ranging from haunted houses, community parties, and parades and pageants. Participating in these activities may be a lot more valuable and fun than trick or treating for candy. Holding a private celebration, or participating in a community event, also places the child in a safer environment with adult supervision and a monitored candy supply. Holding a private party provides a similar sense of security.

People who do choose to send trick or treaters out door-to-door need to make sure that they inspect the candy. Be on guard against ripped candy wrappers, suspicious-looking treats, and sharp objects.

Drivers need to watch out for trick-or-treaters. Do not send anyone out into a dark, poorly lit area. Have small children home by nightfall.

If you are buying a costume, make sure it has reflective tape and is flame retardant. Masks need to be easy to remove and easy to breathe through. Face paints are an inexpensive and safe alternative to masks.

Emphasizing the fun side of Halloween is important as well. Encourage children to learn fun, simple tricks if they re out trick or treating. Tricks such as making coins "magically" disappear, juggling, or fortune-telling, or even singing a short song or sharng a riddle, are all examples of fun, safe activities.

Family outings and traditions are other ways to celebrate the holiday. Decorating the home together, apple-picking and pumpkin carving can all be made into family events that encourage a sense of tradition and provide important memories.

Acting Out Fantasies at Halloween

Most adults use small doses of daydreaming and other fantasizing as an escape valve from the pressures of daily life. Children use fantasy and pretend play in much the same way. But they reap even greater benefits from fantasies than do adults. Some theorists believe that pretend play can reflect the child s attempt to cope with anxiety and guilt. In pretend play, a child acts out the role of another person, an animal or a fictional character.

One of the biggest fantasy-pretend play seasons of the year is Halloween. Shy children can lose much of the fear that inhibits them. The parent who doesn t believe this should watch what happens when the shy child is protected behind a Halloween mask. However, the possibility of dangerous treats and street safety present hard questions to parents who want to allow children Halloween fantasies.

Because of the recognized need for fantasy and pretend among children, it would be a shame to punish them by discounting Halloween celebrations. Perhaps what is needed is a new framework for the fun. Try a variation of the old-fashioned progressive dinner with several families sharing the fun and the work. One home could be the setting for a costume contest, another for story telling, another for bobbing apples and Halloween art activities. The last stop could be for nutritious refreshments.

A progressive party gives children a chance to parade, to show off their costumes and take part in wholesome activities. The added appeal for adults is that by sharing the preparation of food and entertainment, there is less work to be done.

What Breeds a Bully?

There is no one particular thing that turns a child into a bully. However, studies show that the problem is generally triggered by something in the youngster s environment. This could include having parents who are overly punitive or verbally or physically abusive. A bully also could have been victimized himself, perhaps by a sibling or another child. "It becomes very easy for a child to turn around and do to someone else what s been done to him because he knows exactly how it feels. The problem is that bullies simply don t have the ability to empathize with the other person, to care about how what they re saying or doing hurts.

So, how do you discourage a child from becoming a bully? Here s what to watch out for:

n Take a hard look in the mirror. Are you a bully at home? Do you frequently criticize your child or demand unquestioning obedience at every turn? Do you use spanking as a punishment? If so, you re sending the message to your child that anger, violence and intimidation are ways to get what you want. Very likely, your child will turn around and use similar tactics on peers.

n Watch your tone and your message. It s important for parents and caregivers to examine the tone of voice they use when speaking to children. Avoid undue criticism. Children learn by example, and someone who is belittled at home may resort to such tactics when dealing with peers.

n Start to teach the art of negotiation early on. The preschool years are the time to begin to teach children to mediate their own disputes. If your toddler is wrestling a toy from the hands of a playmate, swoop in and offer an alternative. With toddlers, parents and caregivers need to watch and intervene when trouble arises. Then try to move things from 'might makes right to 'let s make a deal. What if your child takes a swing at his playmate? Budd recommends clearly stating, "We don t hit. We use words." Then show your child how he or she can nicely ask for a turn.

n Don t be a pushover. Parents may also breed a bully by being overly permissive: By giving in when a child is obnoxious or demanding, they send the message that bullying pays off. Children actually feel more secure when they know parents will set limits. If you do discover your child is acting like a tyrant, don t panic. It s important for parents to realize that all kids have the capacity to bully. Here s what to do if it s your child who s doing the bullying:

n Make it clear that bullying will not be tolerated. Although it s important to determine why your child is behaving like a ruffian, emphasize that you won t allow such actions, and outline the consequences. If the problem occurs at school, tell your child that you respect the school s right to exact punishment if it persists.

n Have your child walk in the victim s shoes. Since bullies have trouble empathizing with their victims, it s important to discuss how it feels to be bullied. How would your child feel if it happened to him or her?

n Help your child feel successful. It s important to emphasize your child s good points, so he or she can start to experience how positive feedback (rather than negative attention) feels. Is he good with animals? A math whiz? Proficient at team sports? Then put him in situations where his strengths make him shine. Another alternative: Find opportunities for your child to help others, perhaps by volunteering at a local soup kitchen or helping a teacher after school. Doing good increases a child s sense of self-worth.