Enriching Families - November 1998

November 1998

Help Children Choose Friends

Parents have much more influence than they think regarding their children's choice of friends. In their attempt to protect their children, parents need to recognize those peer relationships are vital to children's development. It's the arena in which they learn to make decisions, to lead or follow, to become considerate and loyal, and to recover from mistakes. Here's how parents can have a positive influence over their children's choice of friends.: De-emphasize popularity. Don't unwittingly push kids to make friends. Don't be devastated whenever your kids are rejected by the "in" crowd. You may give them the message that something is wrong with them. Encourage quality over quantity. The number of friends your children have is less important than having one or two good friends. If you emphasize popularity or being part of the clique, your children may become followers who go along blindly with the crowd.

Don't interfere without good reason. Unless your children's friends are leading them into potentially hazardous situations, resist meddling in their relationships. If you suspect that risky behavior is involved, remind your children about your clear, firm rules. The most important one is: Safety is a non-negotiable issue in this family. Otherwise, allow children opportunities to negotiate their own issues and differences. Kids need time among themselves to learn how to develop their own rules, to share and take turns, to play fair and square, and to recover from bruised egos.

Listen to your children. Help strengthen children's egos by listening attentively when they're having trouble with friends. Don't jump in with ready-made solutions or criticism. Invite your children to tell you what happened before you over-react . and listen. They're not likely to open up if you go through the roof. The stronger children's self-confidence, the better they'll be able to resist the negative influences of peers.

Encourage individuality. Keep in mind that you and your children have different tastes and opinions. They may be attracted to people you don't relate to at all, just as you probably don't share their taste in food, music or movies. Try to respect your children's differences even when you don't like the friends they keep. Withhold judgment and don't intervene without any evidence of harmful behavior by their friends.

Encourage children to stick up for themselves. Help your children practice this skill by allowing them to disagree with you in reasonable ways. That doesn't mean tolerating sassy back talk or outright defiance, but it does mean supporting their self-expression. You don't have to agree, but show respect for their opinions. You might say, "Well, I'm ready to listen; try to convince me," or "Let me hear your point of view."

By supporting children in voicing and defending their opinions, you help them practice a skill that they also can use with their peers. They will become mo re confident about saying no the next time friends try to lead them toward misbehavior or toward values that are unacceptable to you.; Don't interfere without good reason. Unless your children's friends are leading them into potentially hazardous situations, resist meddling in their relationships. If you suspect that risky behavior is involved, remind your children about your clear, firm rules. The most important one is: Safety is a non-negotiable issue in this family. Otherwise, allow children opportunities to negotiate their own issues and differences. Kids need time among themselves to learn how to develop their own rules, to share and take turns, to play fair and square, and to recover from bruised egos.

Listen to your children. Help strengthen children's egos by listening attentively when they're having trouble with friends. Don't jump in with ready-made solutions or criticism. Invite your children to tell you what happened before you over-react . and listen. They're not likely to open up if you go through the roof. The stronger children's self-confidence, the better they'll be able to resist the negative influences of peers.

Encourage individuality. Keep in mind that you and your children have different tastes and opinions. They may be attracted to people you don't relate to at all, just as you probably don't share their taste in food, music or movies. Try to respect your children's differences even when you don't like the friends they keep. Withhold judgment and don't intervene without any evidence of harmful behavior by their friends.

Encourage children to stick up for themselves. Help your children practice this skill by allowing them to disagree with you in reasonable ways. That doesn't mean tolerating sassy back talk or outright defiance, but it does mean supporting their self-expression. You don't have to agree, but show respect for their opinions. You might say, "Well, I'm ready to listen; try to convince me," or "Let me hear your point of view."

By supporting children in voicing and defending their opinions, you help them practice a skill that they also can use with their peers. They will become mo re confident about saying no the next time friends try to lead them toward misbehavior or toward values that are unacceptable to you.; Listen to your children. Help strengthen children's egos by listening attentively when they're having trouble with friends. Don't jump in with ready-made solutions or criticism. Invite your children to tell you what happened before you over-react . and listen. They're not likely to open up if you go through the roof. The stronger children's self-confidence, the better they'll be able to resist the negative influences of peers.

Encourage individuality. Keep in mind that you and your children have different tastes and opinions. They may be attracted to people you don't relate to at all, just as you probably don't share their taste in food, music or movies. Try to respect your children's differences even when you don't like the friends they keep. Withhold judgment and don't intervene without any evidence of harmful behavior by their friends.

Encourage children to stick up for themselves. Help your children practice this skill by allowing them to disagree with you in reasonable ways. That doesn't mean tolerating sassy back talk or outright defiance, but it does mean supporting their self-expression. You don't have to agree, but show respect for their opinions. You might say, "Well, I'm ready to listen; try to convince me," or "Let me hear your point of view."

By supporting children in voicing and defending their opinions, you help them practice a skill that they also can use with their peers. They will become mo re confident about saying no the next time friends try to lead them toward misbehavior or toward values that are unacceptable to you.; Encourage individuality. Keep in mind that you and your children have different tastes and opinions. They may be attracted to people you don't relate to at all, just as you probably don't share their taste in food, music or movies. Try to respect your children's differences even when you don't like the friends they keep. Withhold judgment and don't intervene without any evidence of harmful behavior by their friends.

Encourage children to stick up for themselves. Help your children practice this skill by allowing them to disagree with you in reasonable ways. That doesn't mean tolerating sassy back talk or outright defiance, but it does mean supporting their self-expression. You don't have to agree, but show respect for their opinions. You might say, "Well, I'm ready to listen; try to convince me," or "Let me hear your point of view."

By supporting children in voicing and defending their opinions, you help them practice a skill that they also can use with their peers. They will become mo re confident about saying no the next time friends try to lead them toward misbehavior or toward values that are unacceptable to you.; Encourage children to stick up for themselves. Help your children practice this skill by allowing them to disagree with you in reasonable ways. That doesn't mean tolerating sassy back talk or outright defiance, but it does mean supporting their self-expression. You don't have to agree, but show respect for their opinions. You might say, "Well, I'm ready to listen; try to convince me," or "Let me hear your point of view."

By supporting children in voicing and defending their opinions, you help them practice a skill that they also can use with their peers. They will become mo re confident about saying no the next time friends try to lead them toward misbehavior or toward values that are unacceptable to you.
By supporting children in voicing and defending their opinions, you help them practice a skill that they also can use with their peers. They will become mo re confident about saying no the next time friends try to lead them toward misbehavior or toward values that are unacceptable to you.

Source: Nancy Samalin, Bottom Line Personal, Vol. 19, No. 6, August 15, 1998

How Not to Spoil Your Children

In this age of abundance, many parents don't know how to give their kids what they want without spoiling them. Without knowing it, well-meaning moms and dads fall into what I call the happiness trap. They simply can't bear to see their children sad or disappointed in any way, so they give them everything they ask or plead for. How to establish limits so children are less likely to become spoiled:: Make sure no means no. When you say no, does it sound more like maybe? If you're at all ambivalent, kids easily pick up on it. They sense when you're uncomfortable saying no to them. When you don't send a clear message, you encourage pleading, whining, wheedling and even tantrums.

Recognize manipulation and don't give in. Be aware if you've established patterns with your children that allow them to manipulate you. If your children know a public tantrum will get you to change your mind, they are going to have one. Make it clear that you won't be manipulated in this manner. Example: If you're in a public place, say, "Stop now or we'll have to leave" and then follow through. If you're at home, say, "Please go to your room until you've calmed down," or "I'm sorry you're upset, but I'm not going to change my mind."

Helpful: Let your children know that it is acceptable to feel and express negative emotions. Acknowledge their feelings, but let them know that you're going to stick to your decision. Expressing empathy doesn't mean that you agree with what your children want or feel. It just means that you are not judging or criticizing them for having those feelings.

Focus on needs, not wants. Kids are not always able to make the distinction between what they want and what they need. Parents have to do it for them, even if it makes children momentarily unhappy. Of course, it can feel uncomfortable to deny children their desires. Don't expect them to give you a big hug and say, "Oh, thank you, Mom, for not buying me that skateboard."

Remember: Disappointed children are not necessarily unloved children. Also, realize that children aren't necessarily happier when they get everything they want. In fact, children feel much more secure when the boundaries are clear and you are firm about your decisions.

Be a parent, not a friend. Sometimes parents who grew up in strict households want their kids to be raised in more open and flexible environments. The problem arises when you try to be their friend rather than their parent. Instead of feeling guilty or caving in to their unreasonable request, you might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I hope you change your mind, but the answer is still no."

Teach your children that sometimes other people come first. By first taking care of your own needs, you can truly model respect for others. The best way to teach children not to be self-centered is to show them that you were not put on earth to cater to them.

No parent falls deliberately into the happiness trap. Usually, the motivation is an intense feeling of love and caring. The happiness trap becomes easier to avoid when we learn to get rid of our own guilt, to recognize the difference between needs and wants, and to believe that the happiest child is the one who is given both love - and limits.; Recognize manipulation and don't give in. Be aware if you've established patterns with your children that allow them to manipulate you. If your children know a public tantrum will get you to change your mind, they are going to have one. Make it clear that you won't be manipulated in this manner. Example: If you're in a public place, say, "Stop now or we'll have to leave" and then follow through. If you're at home, say, "Please go to your room until you've calmed down," or "I'm sorry you're upset, but I'm not going to change my mind."

Helpful: Let your children know that it is acceptable to feel and express negative emotions. Acknowledge their feelings, but let them know that you're going to stick to your decision. Expressing empathy doesn't mean that you agree with what your children want or feel. It just means that you are not judging or criticizing them for having those feelings.

Focus on needs, not wants. Kids are not always able to make the distinction between what they want and what they need. Parents have to do it for them, even if it makes children momentarily unhappy. Of course, it can feel uncomfortable to deny children their desires. Don't expect them to give you a big hug and say, "Oh, thank you, Mom, for not buying me that skateboard."

Remember: Disappointed children are not necessarily unloved children. Also, realize that children aren't necessarily happier when they get everything they want. In fact, children feel much more secure when the boundaries are clear and you are firm about your decisions.

Be a parent, not a friend. Sometimes parents who grew up in strict households want their kids to be raised in more open and flexible environments. The problem arises when you try to be their friend rather than their parent. Instead of feeling guilty or caving in to their unreasonable request, you might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I hope you change your mind, but the answer is still no."

Teach your children that sometimes other people come first. By first taking care of your own needs, you can truly model respect for others. The best way to teach children not to be self-centered is to show them that you were not put on earth to cater to them.

No parent falls deliberately into the happiness trap. Usually, the motivation is an intense feeling of love and caring. The happiness trap becomes easier to avoid when we learn to get rid of our own guilt, to recognize the difference between needs and wants, and to believe that the happiest child is the one who is given both love - and limits.
Helpful: Let your children know that it is acceptable to feel and express negative emotions. Acknowledge their feelings, but let them know that you're going to stick to your decision. Expressing empathy doesn't mean that you agree with what your children want or feel. It just means that you are not judging or criticizing them for having those feelings.: Focus on needs, not wants. Kids are not always able to make the distinction between what they want and what they need. Parents have to do it for them, even if it makes children momentarily unhappy. Of course, it can feel uncomfortable to deny children their desires. Don't expect them to give you a big hug and say, "Oh, thank you, Mom, for not buying me that skateboard."

Remember: Disappointed children are not necessarily unloved children. Also, realize that children aren't necessarily happier when they get everything they want. In fact, children feel much more secure when the boundaries are clear and you are firm about your decisions.

Be a parent, not a friend. Sometimes parents who grew up in strict households want their kids to be raised in more open and flexible environments. The problem arises when you try to be their friend rather than their parent. Instead of feeling guilty or caving in to their unreasonable request, you might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I hope you change your mind, but the answer is still no."

Teach your children that sometimes other people come first. By first taking care of your own needs, you can truly model respect for others. The best way to teach children not to be self-centered is to show them that you were not put on earth to cater to them.

No parent falls deliberately into the happiness trap. Usually, the motivation is an intense feeling of love and caring. The happiness trap becomes easier to avoid when we learn to get rid of our own guilt, to recognize the difference between needs and wants, and to believe that the happiest child is the one who is given both love - and limits.
Remember: Disappointed children are not necessarily unloved children. Also, realize that children aren't necessarily happier when they get everything they want. In fact, children feel much more secure when the boundaries are clear and you are firm about your decisions.: Be a parent, not a friend. Sometimes parents who grew up in strict households want their kids to be raised in more open and flexible environments. The problem arises when you try to be their friend rather than their parent. Instead of feeling guilty or caving in to their unreasonable request, you might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and I hope you change your mind, but the answer is still no."

Teach your children that sometimes other people come first. By first taking care of your own needs, you can truly model respect for others. The best way to teach children not to be self-centered is to show them that you were not put on earth to cater to them.

No parent falls deliberately into the happiness trap. Usually, the motivation is an intense feeling of love and caring. The happiness trap becomes easier to avoid when we learn to get rid of our own guilt, to recognize the difference between needs and wants, and to believe that the happiest child is the one who is given both love - and limits.; Teach your children that sometimes other people come first. By first taking care of your own needs, you can truly model respect for others. The best way to teach children not to be self-centered is to show them that you were not put on earth to cater to them.

No parent falls deliberately into the happiness trap. Usually, the motivation is an intense feeling of love and caring. The happiness trap becomes easier to avoid when we learn to get rid of our own guilt, to recognize the difference between needs and wants, and to believe that the happiest child is the one who is given both love - and limits.
No parent falls deliberately into the happiness trap. Usually, the motivation is an intense feeling of love and caring. The happiness trap becomes easier to avoid when we learn to get rid of our own guilt, to recognize the difference between needs and wants, and to believe that the happiest child is the one who is given both love - and limits.

Source: Nancy Samalin, Bottom Line Personal, Vol. 19 No. 17, September 1, 1998

Birth Order, Race and Gender Affect Self-Perception of Power

In many cultures, the rights and privileges of the first-born child are deeply ingrained. Previous research suggests that compared to younger siblings, the eldest children have a greater need for achievement. They also rate higher in the areas of competitiveness, dominance and striving for success. As a result, they tend to exert power over their younger brothers and sisters.

To address these issues, researcher Judith Todd and colleagues surveyed 255 persons from an integrated, lower middle- to middle-class community in south central Los Angeles. Children without a sibling were excluded from the study.

The researchers found that the self-rating of interpersonal power by white men and black women was relatively unaffected by birth order or by siblings. But the self-perception of power between black men and white women was significantly affected by birth order when they had a sibling of the opposite sex.

Specifically, black men and white women who had younger siblings of the opposite sex rated themselves as high in power. In contrast, black men and white women who had older siblings of the opposite sex rated themselves as low in power. This latter finding also held true in an analysis of 66 (mostly white) families with just two siblings.

Todd and her colleagues suggest that the societal power disadvantages of white women in relation to men may cause birth order to affect their rating of personal power. Likewise, societal inequities of black men in relation to both white men and black women may contribute to the influence of birth order on their ratings of personal power.

Teach Your Children Well

As the most influential teacher in a child's life, parents can help their children by:: Teaching personal responsibility. Teach children (1) to "do it right" even when their friends/peers do not; (2) to know that taking an unpopular position is OK; and (3) to take responsibility for their behavior rather than blaming others.

Emphasizing the ripple effect/erosion principle. Help children to know what may be inappropriate behavior. It is likely to be perpetuated.

Spending time with them. Spend quality time with children. Turn off the TV! All parents are busy today. However, this does not give any parent the permission to overlook their most important task - parenting children. Children deserve more than the things parents can give them. They deserve their parents!; Emphasizing the ripple effect/erosion principle. Help children to know what may be inappropriate behavior. It is likely to be perpetuated.

Spending time with them. Spend quality time with children. Turn off the TV! All parents are busy today. However, this does not give any parent the permission to overlook their most important task - parenting children. Children deserve more than the things parents can give them. They deserve their parents!; Spending time with them. Spend quality time with children. Turn off the TV! All parents are busy today. However, this does not give any parent the permission to overlook their most important task - parenting children. Children deserve more than the things parents can give them. They deserve their parents!

Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Specialist