May 1998
Families can argue about almost anything, but often a seemingly trivial squabble is really about a larger, sometimes "hidden" issue. Understanding what conflict is really about can help parents decide the best way to handle it. Underlying issues that commonly trigger family conflict:
Remember that the family is a system. A change in one place will produce a reaction somewhere else. Example: Now that Pat has a bike, Mom has freedom, but Jamie feels slighted.
If what you usually do stops working, try something different.
Source: Carol Rubin, Ph.D., Bottom Line Personal, Vol. 18, No. 24, Dec. 15, 1997.
With awe in their voices, parents tell how their children have stopped throwing tantrums, badgering them and running around wildly in public. Behind these dramatic changes is a discipline technique known as 1-2-3 Magic. This is a behavior modification technique developed by Thomas Phelan, an Illinois clinical psychologist who wrote a book and produced a video titled 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. It's so simple that many parents are skeptical at first. But simplicity is at the heart of the technique's success. Basically, here's how it works:
When a child does something a parent (or care-giver) doesn't like, the parent says, "That's one." If the child continues, the parent says, "That's two." If the child keeps going, the parent says, "That's three. Take five." That means the child has to go to his or her room for a time-out that lasts about one minute for each year of the child's age.
During the time-out, off-limits are friends, phones, televisions, computers and electronic games. For really bad behavior, like hitting or cursing, the parent goes straight to "That's three," and adds time depending on the severity of the misdeed.
During the counting and after the time-out, the parent can give a two- or three-word explanation but doesn't say anything else no lecturing, no arguing, no yelling. The "no talking" and "no emotion" rules for parents are essential.
If parents violate these cardinal rules, Phelan says, the child can't clearly hear the warning ("That's one"), which gets mixed up with the rest of a parent's "verbal garbage." And many children will take yelling, nagging and arguing as a challenge. Unwise attempts on your part at talking or persuading are guaranteed to take the child's focus off the possibility of good behavior and put their focus on the possibility of an enjoyable argument. Consistency is the key, say those who have learned the technique.
"What makes it work is repetition and backing up what you say," says Rick Sykes, a psychiatric nurse who introduced 1-2-3 Magic to a Memphis psychiatric hospital where this technique is used for all patients in its child and adolescent unit. He asks parents of patients to use it at home. Sykes said he likes 1-2-3 Magic because it covers two common mistakes parents getting too emotional and/or mistakenly assuming their children will respond to rational arguments because they're just little adults. "If you really want your children to continue (doing what they are doing), yell at them. Even though it's negative reinforcement, it's reinforcement," Sykes says.
Parents gain confidence with 1-2-3 Magic because it gives them a simple structure and helps them avoid manipulation by their children. It puts parents in the driver's seat immediately. Parents often need something more simple and structured than the discipline centered on logical and natural consequences. After a year of 1-2-3 Magic, most children stop a lot of badgering and back-talking.
Common mistakes parents make when starting to use 1-2-3 Magic include arguing with their children, talking too much and trying it for a week and then stopping. A parent or relative may sabotage the strategy if they do not agree to follow the 1-2-3 process. It actually works if you continue to do it, but you have to stick it out. Don't give up after two weeks.
Source: The Kansas City Star, Thursday, Oct. 2, 1997.
School-age children are particularly vulnerable and sensitive to criticism. Here are some things to avoid and some suggestions for positive ways to talk to kids from author and parenting expert Vicki Lansky:
Avoid labeling children as "careless," incompetent" or "disappointing." You may be programming them to live up to your description.
Don't embarrass children in front of others. Avoid using "public times" to recall past misbehavior, correct bad habits or correct nonessential information they are sharing.
Start sentences with "I" (your opinion) instead of "You" (supposed fact). Say "I feel that you..." instead of "You are...."
Don't interrupt kids with "important" (to you) messages like "You're fidgeting again."
Don't stoop to clever sarcasms. You're wasting your time and risking the possibility that your child may understand and be hurt.
Be careful about nicknames. Even a loving "Stretch" or an amusing (to you) "Dumbo" can be hurtful to a child.
Talk to children as you would to adults. You would probably never tell an adult to "Fix you hair. It looks awful."
Avoid using "never," "always" and other absolutes.
Avoid the famous put downs that your parents may have used on you: How many times do I have to tell you? Look what you made me do. Act your age. Can't you do anything right? What's wrong with you?
Don't talk about your children's problems on the telephone or in any place where kids might overhear you. They will feel betrayed and suspect that you discuss all private matters with outsiders.
Source: Work and Family Life, Vol.12, No. 1, Jan. 1998.
Herbert G. Lingren, PhD