THE CHALLENGING ROLE OF FATHERS

Being a Dad is more complicated than it used to be. Fathers are routinely in the delivery room when their kids are born and from that moment on, there are messages out there that say: You ought to be a more nurturing and involved father.

"Men are torn between two sets of expectations--yesterday's view that a husband should bring home the bacon while his wife raises the children, and today's wisdom that he should share the childrearing while being a major breadwinner too," says Dr. James Levine, director of the Fatherhood Project at the Families and Work Institute.

Research on fathers show clearly that men as well as women bring their concerns about their children to the workplace--and men also worry that their jobs keep them from spending enough time with their kids.

Why is Dad's role different today? First, the obvious reason: Mom needs help. With more than 60 percent of fathers in the workplace having wives who also work full time, this is a "no-brainer." What many people may not know, however, is that when Dad reduces Mom's stress by being involved with the kids, both parents feel more fulfilled. This has a positive impact on their marriage and on the children. Then there's all the evidence from research over the past 20 years of the important role involved fathers play in their children's development. During the first weeks in a baby's life, when Moms are usually at home, Dads become the child's "most significant other." It is through the father that the baby first learns about comings and goings, transitions, separations and non-mother nurturing.

If Moms think that Dads should do everything their way, they are wrong. Dad's different style of interaction and caring is wonderful for kids. For example, when fathers hold a baby, they tend to do something like tickle them or put them on their shoulders. When kids are older, Dads are more likely to encourage kids' independence; they don't step in and help with a problem as fast as Moms usually do. As a result, children who have had a lot of positive fathering tend to be more outgoing, more flexible and better able to cope with new situations. Researchers found that involved fathers improve children's motivation and ability to achieve in school.

Fathers also benefit from nurturing kids. Dads as well as children benefit from the new style of fathering. Indeed, Dr. Joseph Pleck, a researcher in this field, has found that when fathers spend more time with their kids they have a happier and more integrated life. And, this benefit lasts a lifetime; when men have supported and nourished their children emotionally and socially, they tend to be more giving and caring when they reach middle age. They are also more likely to mentor younger workers and to become involved in their communities.

Fatherhood is the single most creative, complicated, fulfilling, frustrating, engrossing and enriching endeavor of a man's adult life.

Here are some tips for ways to stay involved with your kids no matter how busy you are:

* Remember there's nothing you can't do for a baby--with the exception of breast-feeding. And even if your wife is breast-feeding, you can still carve out a role for yourself: bathing, burping, comforting and taking the baby out for a walk.

* Keep up with the language of childrearing. Talk to other Dads informally or in support groups or parenting classes. Read articles and books. In too many families, the woman becomes the "expert" and the Dad feels excluded.

* Spend time alone with your kids at whatever stage of development they're in. Sometimes it's fun to talk while you're doing errands or fixing the garage door, but make sure there are times when you turn off the TV, put down the newspaper and give them your undivided attention.

* Make sure you have some contact with every aspect of your child's life. Visit your child's class, meet the teacher and the kids and have at least fleeting contact with an afterschool activity. If you have seen where your children are and met their friends, you will have more to talk about and more interesting conversations.

Source: The changing, challenging role of fathers in the '90s, Work & Family Life, Balancing Job and Personal Responsibilities, Vol. 10, No. 11 (November 1996)

FAMILY STRUCTURE AND DRUG USE

Adolescents have a better chance of staying away from illegal drug use if they are living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to a study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The study finding was consistent across a broad range of variables, including gender, age, family income and race. The study found:

* Adolescents not living with two biological or adoptive parents are 50 to 150 percent more likely to use illegal substances and need treatment than those who live under such a structure.

* The family structure that presents the highest risk for adolescent drug abuse is a biological father and a stepmother. The next most dangerous structure is a married adolescent living with his or her spouse, followed by a father and no mother, and a mother living with a non-relative.

* Risk of adolescent drug use is higher with a biological father and a stepmother than with a biological mother and a stepfather. It's also higher with a biological father and no mother figure than with a biological mother and no father figure.

The study used data from about 22,000 respondents ages 12 to 17 in the combined 1991-93 National Household Surveys on Drug Abuse.

Source: The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, Vol. 12, No. 12 (December 1996)

HOW TO AVOID HOMEWORK HASSLES

With the school year well underway, if you're like most other working parents, the homework issue has already reared its head as a source of stress. Typically, both children and parents find themselves hassled, upset, worried, defeated or downright angry because of it. The main questions seem to be whether homework is getting done properly and whether parents should or shouldn't help. The answers depend a lot on the age of your child.

Kindergarten through third graders need a parent to be "around" and to step in if necessary. For older children, we have to remember that homework belongs to them--it's their "job." But we're anxious for our kids to do well in school, so we need to find the balance between providing support and taking over.

Schools and teachers have different policies about homework, and parents need to find out what they are. For example, a teacher may give homework to reinforce class lessons. This purpose is defeated when kids turn in homework done mostly by parents. A teacher is better able to assess a child's skills when she can see the mistakes that have been made.

Why homework can be stressful. In many families homework becomes a control issue. Young children especially seem to want help with homework but at the same time they want to do it themselves. When parents do respond to requests for help, kids may lash out because they feel they're not in control of their own work. And, parents get upset when kids resist their suggestions or criticisms.

Of course, it's hard to ignore sloppy or incorrect work. But, as parent educator Nancy Samalin suggests, parents should focus more on content than on how the homework looks. Kids will become more motivated if we take a positive approach, making comments such as: "I like the way you described that..." or "That's a good point you made about..." or "You're only nine and you're already able to do equations. I'm impressed." Here are some other suggestions to help take the hassle out of homework:

* When children ask for help, remind yourself that the purpose of homework is to help kids develop good study habits, marshal resources and feel competent that they can work on their own. So our help should promote children's confidence rather than taking over and making kids feel less good about themselves.

* Being available to help children is not the same as stepping in and doing the work for them. Parents can help children interpret instructions, get off on the right track and then back off to let them do the assignment on their own.

* It's OK to look over an assignment if you are asked. Pointing out items that are wrong but giving your child the option to correct them or not. This policy makes it clear that homework is your child's responsibility and is less likely to create power struggles...than if you demand that he redo the incorrect work.

* If kids "forget" or "lose" homework assignments regularly, they may need help getting organized. If they constantly say they do not have any homework, parents need to find out from the teacher and other parents if this is true. If a child is lying, parents need to figure out why: Does she feel unable to do the work? Is he rebelling for another reason?

* It's hard to resist the last-minute "bailout"--the major science project due tomorrow but not yet started. Sometimes it's better to let kids experience the consequences of not completing an assignment. Parents who agree to step in should be aware that kids may get a better grade but they're not learning to take responsibility for their own actions. In either case, you need to make the point that learning to plan is an important skill to develop and to ask, "How can you avoid this problem the next time you have a big project?"

"How to avoid homework hassles", WORK & FAMILY LIFE, Balancing Job and Personal Responsibilities, Vol. 10, No. 11 (November 1996)