March 1998

Bullying In School

Bullying in school is a worldwide problem. It can have negative consequences for the general school climate and for the right of students to learn in a safe environment without fear. Bullying involves such things as teasing, taunting, threatening, hitting and stealing. A more subtle way of bullying is causing a student to be socially isolated.

While boys typically engage in direct bullying methods, girls who bully are more apt to use indirect strategies, such as spreading rumors and enforcing social isolation. Regardless of its nature, the key element of bullying is that the physical or psychological intimidation occurs over and over to create a pattern of harassment and abuse.

What is the effect of bullying? Students who bully seem to have a need to feel powerful and in control. In contrast to prevailing myths, bullies appear to possess strong self-esteem and have little anxiety. There is not much evidence to support the contention that they victimize others because they feel bad about themselves. In contrast, students who are bullied are typically anxious, insecure, cautious and suffer from low self-esteem.

Awareness of bullying. Parents and teachers may be unaware of a bullying problem. Consequently, students often feel that adult intervention is infrequent and ineffective. So what can an adult do to help tackle this problem? Since bullying is a problem that occurs in the social environment of the school, researchers emphasize the need to develop whole-school bullying policies, improve the school ground environment, and help students through conflict resolution, peer counseling and assertiveness training.

How can parents help? At home, parents can watch for those subtle clues that indicate their child has had a rough day of school. Then work at keeping communication lines open by being available when the child is ready to talk. Keep your own anger in check and listen to make sure you understand exactly what is happening and how it is affecting your child. Both parents and teachers can engage students in role-playing exercises to help them have different ways of interacting. This can be useful to the victims, those who want to assist and also the bullies themselves.

What to do. When a parent becomes aware of persistent bullying situations at school, whether their child is the victim or the bully, it is time to look upon school personnel as partners in dealing with the problem. Problem solving involves clearly defining the problem, brainstorming possible alternatives and choosing a solution. Being calm and using effective communication skills go a long way to effectively address the situation. Continue the work at home to reinforce the goals that have been set for your child at school.

Source: Children's Research Center - University of Illinois, Connections, Sept./Oct. 1997.

Self-esteem and You

If you have a self-esteem problem, you're not alone. Everyone has some difficulties associated with a lack of self-esteem_feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, depression and behavior that reflects their lack of self-confidence. Here are some symptoms:

  • People who are always late. Their sense of self is so fragile, and they need a positive response so often, that they can't bear the idea of having to wait for someone else to arrive. So in order to avoid feeling bad about themselves, they are late.

  • People who are always early. They're fragile too. They assume that if they're late they'll be rejected, so they come early to get approval. Their self-esteem is based on the response of other people, not on their own sense of self.

  • People who dress perfectly. Perfect dressers also have an inflated sense of self, but they express it by having to be perfect. Otherwise they're afraid they'll be rejected. Interestingly, the opposite can apply to those who are unkempt. Some people are that way because their sense of self is so low that they don't care what other people think of them.

    How is good self-esteem developed? Most of us can learn to create more self-esteem for ourselves once we recognize the problem. Our self-esteem takes shape in the first three years of life. During infancy, we adopt patterns of feeling and thinking that enable us to cope with reality. That helps us get attention, satisfy our needs and win affection and care from the adults around us.

    We develop a sense of self in relation to the surrounding world. A young child's sense of self is formed through his/her relationship with his parents, particularly with his mother, since she's often the person who spends the most time caring for the child. Since parents aren't perfect-and children aren't either-we all grow up with some impairment to our self-esteem.

    What is healthy self-esteem? A person with healthy self-esteem is able to accept criticism or rejection-and failure, too-when pursuing a goal. While he might get upset, even very upset, he is able to push those feelings aside, learn from his mistakes-and move on to the next challenges. The key factor is that he doesn't lose sight of the things at which he is good. He uses his confidence to help repair the temporary gap in his self-esteem.

    How to improve your self-esteem. Three factors are crucial in the development of healthy self-esteem:

  • Creativity. This is the ability to deal with tasks with a creative perception that enables you to see new patterns in familiar, established phenomena and then to put them together in a new way. This creativity allows you to deal with a crisis and then move on, so you can continue working toward your personal goals.

  • Autonomy. This means having an image of yourself and an understanding of how you behave and how other people see you. This enables you to do what feels right for you, even when others disagree with your decision.

    relationship expands the individual sense of self and gives a feeling of "wholeness."

  • Intimacy. This is the ability to see who you are in reality your "real self" to like your real self and to share yourself with another in a close, ongoing interpersonal relationship. A healthy relationship expands the individual sense of self and gives a feeling of "wholeness."Those who lack self-esteem often have a distorted view of themselves a false self and an equally distorted view of the people around them. In severe cases, this can cause serious problems, such as:

  • Deficient sense of self. People with this problem have trouble activating themselves identifying what they want to do and then making it happen in reality because of their persistent feelings of inadequacy. When they undertake a task, they find it very hard to accept criticism and learn from it because any attempt to go over apparent mistakes only brings back associated feelings of inadequacy. This means that most of the time they find it hard to follow through with a task successfully.

  • Inflated sense of self. These people consider themselves important and worthy, and need constant recognition. They meet any criticism with aggression, and sometimes with full-blown rage. This aggressive stance acts as a protective shell against rejection a way of protecting their impaired sense of self. The irony in this case is that quite often people who suffer from an inadequate sense of self actually envy those who use this inflated shell for protection, not realizing that it also conceals a self-esteem problem.

  • Schizoid sense of self. People with a schizoid sense of self suffer from such a damaged self-esteem that they cut off all feeling about their sense of self. They find it hard, if not impossible, to relate to others because their "self" is too vulnerable. Instead they adopt an intellectualized, detached way of life, devoid of relationships.

    Source: James F. Masterson, MD, Bottom Line Personal, Vol. 18, No. 24, Dec. 15, 1997

    Goodbye Rituals Are Important

    Children (and grown-ups too) need to feel a sense of closure before they move. Farewell rituals provide opportunities to say that moving is real, is important, and it's okay to be sad about it. Saying goodbye is a way of honoring the experience of change despite the pain it causes. Here are some ideas for saying goodbye that will help smooth your children's transition to their new home and community:

    Find ways to link your "old life" and your new. Fill a scrapbook with photos of your house, your child's room and drawings from classmates. Devote the last pages to pictures of your new house and neighborhood. Leave a mini-album of pictures behind with your kids' friends.

    Make a videotape of your old friends and neighborhood pals. Ask them to give you a farewell message.

    Encourage older children to write the local chamber of commerce for maps and brochures. Show kids photos or take them to see their new home before you move.

    Give kids ways to stay in touch with friends, through cards, letters, e-mail or an occasional phone call. A good idea is to give their friends preaddressed postcards.

    Read books on moving to your children. There are some good ones out that will encourage kids to talk abut their feelings.

    Walk through your old house together as a family to say a final goodbye.

    Source: Work and Family Life, Oct. 1997.

    Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
    Extension Family Life Specialist