Parental Arguments

On days when parents bicker with each other, both mothers and fathers are much more likely to also experience tension with their children, according to a new Cornell University/University of Arizona study. While mothers in general have conflicts with their kids about 40 percent more often than fathers do, the study found that fathers were twice as likely as mothers to argue with their kids on days when they argued with their wives. It seems also that Dads are more likely to experience tension-spillover from their marriage to their kids when their wives work full-time.

The researchers speculate that when wives are employed, men spend more time caring for children and assume additional home responsibilities. This puts more demands on them as well as providing increased opportunities for conflicts with children. Also, they say, that when women work, they may have depleted energy to protect the family from spillover stress.

"However," says David Almeida from the University of Arizona, "we must remember that positive interactions and harmonious relations are also contagious. Sharing accomplishments, laughter and joy with a spouse are certainly likely to engender positive interactions with children and vice versa."

The fallout from parents' arguments, Work & Family Life, Balancing Job and Personal Responsibilities (September 1996, Vol. 10, No. 9)

Smart Children Have Problems

Belief in one's abilities has more effect on one's success in school than natural ability or potential, a new study says. The researchers also found that wanting to learn is a better motivation for achievement than external reasons, such as good grades. Researchers asked 77 third- and fourth-graders who scored above the median on the Stanford Achievement Test why they did well in school and how competent they felt at school. They found that students who were uncertain about their ability, and who were motivated by external reasons, were uninterested in school and declined academically. Students who were certain of their abilities felt more curious and active in their school activities. Lack of confidence in a student's ability predicted a drop in mathematics and social studies grades but not in reading or the language arts. The researcher explains that by the third or fourth grade children have created self-assessments based on comparisons with their peers or on teachers' expectations. She suggests that failing students are not necessarily the only children with problems and that educators should not overlook externally high achievers.

"Children who do well in school: Individual differences in perceived competence and autonomy in above-average children," Marianne Miserandino, Journal of Educational Psychology, 88(2):203-214. For reprints, contact the American Psychological Association, Public Affairs Office, 750 First St., NE, Washington, DC 20002-4242; (202) 336-5700. The Brown University Child & Adolescent Behavior Letter (Vol. 12, No. 7 July 1996) Smart Sleep Habits for Kids

If you are a parent whose child is difficult to get to sleep, you've probably experienced one of these scenarios: . You nurse your baby to sleep and then, holding your breath, lay her gently in the crib. But the moment her head touches the mattress, she starts to scream.

. As you tuck your toddler under the covers, he clings to your arm and tearfully begs, "Stay, Mommy."

. You've already read more bedtime stories than you'd planned, yet your preschooler still complains, "Is that all? I m not going to bed until I hear all of Barney."

There are many reasons why children mutiny at bedtime. Fortunately, there are also various ways to resolve such conflicts before full-scale battle erupts. What if a state of war already exists in your household? The following methods can help you negotiate a peace treaty:

Building a routine. To a child, sleep represents a kind of deprivation the loss of her parent's company, the loss of playtime. A bedtime ritual helps offset her sense of loss by providing her with something she craves: a half hour or so of undivided attention from Mom and Dad. By ending her day on a happy note and associating bedtime with positive experiences, she can drift toward sleep secure in the knowledge of her family's love.

The specifics of what is included in the routine are less important than its consistency. A child may become downright rigid about his going-to-sleep ritual; if you vary or shorten it on any given evening, he may get upset or even have trouble going to sleep. Your best bet: Select activities you are willing to repeat night after night, and stick with them.

It's also important to leave enough time in your evening schedule for the entire ritual. If you want to establish a bedtime of 8:30 p.m., for instance, you will have to start the ritual well before that time. Be advised that few parents can get away with a super-quickie ritual.

The bedtime routine begins long before the tooth brushing and story-book-reading; it begins with the buildup. That buildup should be a quiet one. Reserve the hour before bedtime for quiet play. This lowers your child's activity level and prepares his nervous system for relaxation. Roughhousing, running and tickling games make transition to sleep especially difficult. Don't let your child begin a lengthy project he will have trouble leaving unfinished.

Next, get the necessities out of the way. A child will be more motivated to cooperate with the hygiene routine if he knows the fun stuff will follow. Perform the rest of the ritual in the child's bedroom. If you do the most enjoyable parts in another room and then pop the child into bed, his room becomes a cage, a place to which he is banished when the fun is over. Your ritual might include reading books, reciting poems, singing songs. Even an infant too young to understand the words will be soothed by the rhythms and sound of your voice. Toddlers may like to hear the same favorite story night after night, while preschoolers often opt for new tales.

Strategies for putting your child to sleep. You'll be much better off if you can teach your child to fall asleep on her own. Fortunately, this is a skill that can be taught. Here are two important steps to take:

Put the child to bed drowsy, but not asleep. With an infant, this can be a tough assignment, because he's likely to fall asleep while you feed him. Keep him awake if possible. If he seems determined to doze, end the feeding and lay him down while he's still somewhat aware. You want him to know that he is in his crib, not in your arms. With an older child (one year and up), the goal is the same to let him be aware of the fact that as he falls asleep, he is snug and secure in his own bed and that you are not in the room with him.

Encourage the use of a soother that doesn't require your presence. Cultivate a relationship between your child and some special object such as a toy or blanket. Once she has bonded with this object, it becomes a symbolic replacement for her parents and enables her to soothe herself when she's alone in her room at bedtime.

Keep in mind that one important key to success with any sleep-training technique is for you to keep your cool. Naturally there will be times when you feel frustrated, even furious, with your child. Yet the more you can keep your reactions under control, the more likely you'll be able to follow through with your chosen method and the more your child will gain the sense of security he needs to learn healthier sleep habits.