Marriage Misconceptions

There will be hundreds of thousands of weddings this summer. Many, if not most, individuals haven't a clue about what it takes to be married to one person for nearly forty years, have a dual-earner household, and attempt to raise four children born within a space of five years all from the time those wedding bells first rang.

Perhaps it is just as well. I have actually gleaned a kernel or two of insight in my 39 years of marriage. I have managed to replace some of my flowery expectations and misconceptions with enough wisdom and reality to help keep our boat afloat. And, these I bequeath to all of you, free of charge, as a wedding gift.

Misconception #1: The degree of difficulty theory. To begin with, I thought marriage would be easier. I thought we'd fit together more or less automatically, like two peas in a pod. I thought love would guide us through the "bonding process" without a great deal of difficulty. Or, at the very least, I thought that any struggles would simply take on the romantic image of a classy melodrama in which we have been cast as the romantic leads.

But I have found that little happens automatically in a marriage relationship. Marriage is work--sometimes gritty, sweaty, and uncomfortable work. In fact, I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks as somewhere between rerouting a huge tornado and finding a parking place on the university campus.

Misconception #2: The clairvoyant spouse theory. When people are newlyweds, they often think that if their spouses really loved them, they would be clairvoyant--you know, read your mind. Janet should automatically know what I was thinking and feeling and what I needed without my verbalizing it very much. It was an enormous breakthrough for me to realize that Janet really wanted to connect with me in ways other than problem-solving and sex. She wanted to know my heart as well as my mind. She really wanted to be there for me. She wanted to be able to meet my needs the best she could. But she wasn't a mind-reader. She couldn't know what I needed unless I told her!

And so, over the years, we've gotten better and better at sharing our thoughts and feelings, clarifying our hopes, needs and expectations for each other and our relationship. As a consequence, we've gotten better at meeting each other's needs and helping each other realize some of those hopes and expectations.

Misconception #3: The key to happiness theory. Before I was married, I thought being happy meant getting what you want. I have learned, after 39 years of marriage, that being happy means loving what you get.

Misconception #4: The beef-stew theory. In the early years of marriage, when people are both in school, working long hours, taking care of young children, and not seeing nearly enough of each other, they may have the misconception that a marriage could survive that kind of benign neglect.

I've learned since that making a marriage is a lot like making a stew; it will only be as good as the ingredients you put into it. If you are not taking the time for long talks and long walks together, for special dinners and afternoons off, for laughter and romance and celebrating each other, your marriage is going to be pale, watery, and not very tasty.

Misconception #5: The major moments theory. I somehow assumed early on that the most important days in a marriage would be anniversaries, weddings, holidays, birthdays and family reunions. I have found instead that the most important day in any marriage is today!

Each of us creates our marriage, one day at a time. Whatever it is and whatever it will become, it is up to us. Marriage is like a car--if not fueled, it won't go far. If we don't fuel it, it will run out of gas. If we neglect it, it will eventually misfire, start to sputter and may need a major overhaul. For many people today, they don't want to repair it, but trade it in for a new model. And, that's what half of us are doing today! Which will it be for you?

Kids Chores

Parents often have difficulty getting household chores done. Kids complain that assignment of chores is "unfair." Here are some suggestions for different ways of assigning chores:

Each child chooses one big job and one small job to do for a month. Give younger children a chance to choose first. Rotate regularly.

Create a "chore wheel." Younger kids can spin it each week to see what their jobs are.

Give children complete responsibility for maintaining a different common family room each week.

List chores that need to be done on slips of paper and spread them out on the floor. Each child can select three slips. Then allow for a two-minute "barter period" to give kids a chance to negotiate if they want to change jobs.

"It's your night to cook." You may have to work your way around basketball practice and other after school activities, but it's worth doing.

Should kids be paid for doing chores? Some teens and even younger children ask to be paid for doing household chores. Experts agree that this is not a good strategy. But chores can be used as a source of additional money. For example, parents might keep two lists: The A list has chores that the child owes the family; they are his or her responsibility as a family member. But the B list includes chores that the child may elect to do in return for money.

Some parents find other ways to reward their children such as a "fun box" where kids throw in suggestions for weekend activities. If all the chores have been completed, the parents pick one activity to do with the family.

Source: Work & Family Life, January 1997, Vol. 11, No. 1.

< Kids Helping Out at Home

Why is it important to give youngsters responsibilities for jobs in and around the house? First of all, it can--and should--help busy working parents. Obviously, more work gets done if everyone has a job to do. But what purpose does it serve for the kids?

Teaching children to become cooperative members of a household is one of the best ways to teach them responsibility. And, it is a vital step in developing caring, considerate adults.

Boys also need to learn household skills. With a majority of men married to women who work outside the home, men's knowledge of how to do household jobs--and the willingness to do them--play an important role in making marriages work today and will be even more important in the future.

"Learning to set the table, make a bed, and run a vacuum cleaner are basic skills just as much as learning the ABCs," says the mother of a five-year-old boy. "And it's especially important for boys to do everyday chores like dusting and laundry. We have to get away from raising men who feel comfortable only with the 'male tasks' such as cutting grass, shoveling snow and taking out the garbage."

It's best to start young. While this may come as a surprise to some parents, even young children can do lots of helpful things around the house. Chores begin when your child can pick it up, put it away, fold it, sort it, or carry it out the door. When they're in the mood and feeling cooperative, children of three, four, and five love to carry groceries, set the table, and take dishes to the kitchen. Helping out with small tasks makes young kids feel competent and grownup.

Sometimes a child's pace and a parent's needs collide--when little ones insist on dressing themselves for school, for example, or take five minutes to fold a towel. While you don't want to discourage kids from doing things for themselves and you try to allow enough time, sometimes you may need to limit participation in the interest of getting to school or work on time.

Getting school-age children to pitch in. As kids get older and are able to do more things around the house, they aren't always willing to help. They are not as eager to please and there is also competition with school activities, homework and time with friends. Young grade-schoolers can make their beds, put their clothes in the laundry, feed pets and get their backpacks organized for school. They should also be able to help out with food preparation and clean-up. Expectations as to what jobs children can do vary according to family circumstances, numbers and ages of children and whether both parents work outside of the home.

Chores for preteens and teens: Preteens and teenagers can do a great many chores. A child who can program a VCR is capable of mastering a washer and dryer. Kids this age can come up with ingenious ideas for avoiding their chores. One teenager, whose job was to make sure there was always toilet paper in the bathroom piled 42 rolls next to each toilet. Another left a broiler pan on the stove because, as he said, "You only asked me to do the dishes."

Parents can use the "natural consequence" approach when children balk at doing chores. For example: forget to empty the cat litter and the litter box spends the night in your room. Or, children who don't change their sheets find their beds stripped. Here are some other ways to avoid power struggles and get chores done:

* Focus on the problem. When you want to say, "How many times do I have to tell you to take the garbage out after dinner?" try instead, "Your mother needs help. Let's both pitch in."

* Give "I" messages. When you want to say, "You're so thoughtless," say instead, "I don't like it when I have to do my job and yours, too."

* Put it in writing. Tape notes to different parts of the house to communicate what needs to be done.

Source: Editors, Work & Family Life, Vol. 11, No. 1, January 1997