Addiction and the Family

What is addiction? Addiction or the serious abuse of mood-altering substances, including alcohol, most likely afflicts at least one of every seven Americans. During the past several decades, we have learned to recognize the diverse signs and symptoms of this disease.

People rarely become addicted in isolation. In most cases, family members and friends have seen the progression from social or controlled substance use through the development of abuse to addiction. On average, an addicted person's active disease will produce profound consequences for at least seven other people- -despite efforts to address the disorder.

Is addiction genetic? The apparent genetic predisposition to addiction and abuse is poorly defined. We know it tends to run in families, expressed in a complex interaction among genetic factors, personal vulnerability, and environmental influences. It may pass through the family from one generation to the next. Sometimes children in affected families may elude the disease through abstinence, only have it recur decades later in members of the next generation who are not familiar with the family addiction history.

Addiction and harmful behaviors. Addiction correlates directly with an increase in domestic violence and family conflict, and in automobile accidents and fatalities. Abuse of alcohol or drugs often contributes to suicide attempts and completed suicides and to accidents around the home. Such major family traumas can have a direct and profound impact on all family members. Each person, however, will experience traumatic events differently.

Two common reactions are codependency (where we relegate the responsibility for our life and happiness to other people) and the development of the "adult child." (An adult child carries into adulthood certain secrets, beliefs, and feelings from growing up in an alcoholic family.) These stereotypes represent the adaptation of the individual's personality to the experience of living with addiction.

Addiction's impact on family. The evolution of compulsive and maladaptive behaviors in family members is recognized less often. Profound shame, unconscious denial and minimization of the consequences, for example, may lead the spouse to try to bolster self-esteem through excessive involvement in work or children's activities, or through episodes of compulsive shopping.

One child may become the family hero and eventually a compulsive worker who speculates on commodities and periodically flies off to Las Vegas--with disastrous financial consequences. Another child may develop an eating disorder, while a third may indulge in a series of devastating sexual affairs. Of course, all the children vow that "it will never happen to me." Family shame and consternation are reinforced when yet another family member succumbs to chemical dependency.

Some people may behave in a way that provides a sense of excitement, such as using stimulants or participating in high-risk stunts. Others may sedate themselves through self-medication with alcohol or satiation through sexually exploitive relationships or compulsive overeating. Still others escape via fantasy, use of psychedelic drugs, preoccupation with work, or compulsive religious practice pursued to excess.

When kept in balance, these activities may provide comfort and status, alleviating the sense of unworthiness. But when carried to extremes, they often represent a personal variation on the theme of addiction. Negative aspects of self-image that result from secret feelings of shame, unworthiness, and being "different" are often attributed to others. Such individuals may categorize people in terms of black or white, good or bad, generous or selfish, loving or hateful. Their flawed perceptions may result in self-destructive or self-defeating actions or judgments. For persons vulnerable to addictive disease, developing an appreciation of how these patterns are expressed within the family may promote better self-understanding.

Source: Richard R. Irons, M.D., The Menninger Letter, Vol. 2, No.12, December 1994.

Simple Pleasures

Grandparents are always looking for ways to a close, meaningful relationship with their grandchildren. Whether you live next door or across the country from your grandchildren--with a few minutes, an hour or a weekend to spend together--Little Things Mean A Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren by Susan Newman will help you take advantage of every chance to connect with them. Here are some suggestions:

. Pay attention to the names of your grandchild's friends. Ask about them often in conversations. Invite them for lunch and dinner when you can.

. Give your grandchildren pictures of their parents as close to their ages as possible. Repeat every few years.

. Call solely to speak with your grandchild. Hang up immediately after the conversation, no matter how brief. Call another time to speak with his or her parents.

. Send your grandchild a poster of his or her favorite musical group or sports star.

. Request a private performance of your grandchild's public "appearance" before or after a show or concert.

. Be understanding. There are times your grandchildren will prefer their parents.

Benefits of Family Travel

Do you want to escape, recharge your batteries, replenish your soul? Are you determined to stretch your physical limitations, have an adventure, get some culture? Is your vacation a time to visit friends and relatives?

Vacations and trips--no matter what time of the year you take them--can serve more than one of these purposes. Deciding what is most important and affordable at any particular point in your life can be a simple process or may involve a lot of negotiation with friends and other family members. Of course, we all have our own idea of what constitutes rest and relaxation--and whether white-water rafting is really the adventure your family is looking for.

Most working parents see vacation trips as a time for family togetherness as well as recreation and sightseeing. While traveling with children may impose some limitations on your plans, it can also offer unexpected joys and benefits for every member of your family. According to Sanford and Joan Portnoy in How To Take Great Trips With Your Kids (Harvard Common Press):

Travel is educational. The first-hand experiences children have when they travel are wonderful ways to broaden and enrich their classroom lessons. Parents as well as children gain knowledge and understanding as you explore, listen and learn together. Even if it's just to entertain your kids, you'll start noticing birds, flowers, insects, and foliage you might otherwise pay less attention to.

Travel stimulates personal growth. Meeting people and seeing new places expands children's outlook and makes them aware of others who may look and sound different from them. Travel helps kids develop perspective on their own place in the larger world and makes them more curious to learn.

Kids learn practical skills. Map reading, orienteering, climbing, and hiking techniques can all be learned through travel. Children also confront other kinds of challenges such as how to communicate with a French child while camping at Yellowstone Park. As they solve these problems, kids learn "they can manage in the world around them and gain a sense of competence and self-confidence that may last a lifetime."

Children become goodwill ambassadors. Children make friends easily--on a train, around a motel swimming pool, just about anywhere. Other people are more apt to be helpful to you or strike up a conversation if you're traveling with your family.

Travel brings a family closer together. When you think back on your childhood, what memories of family excursions and trips stand out in your mind? Shared adventures engender feelings of togetherness and a sense of family cohesiveness.

The Portnoys also offer these interesting tips you may not have thought of:

If your children have permission to use your first name in an emergency, it's easier for them to locate you in a crowd. "Sarah" or "Sarah Bobrow" is more likely to get your attention than one more child's voice calling "Mommy."

Send your child a postcard from her or his own trip timed to arrive a few days after your return. (Having a great time. Glad you were here...) This will help relieve any post-trip let down.

If the weather is cold, look for motels with indoor heated pools and reserve ahead. This adds to the kids' pleasure in staying overnight.

Have one parent act as the "designated checker" to scan planes, trains, cabs, or waiting rooms for dropped articles as you leave. You can take turns, but be sure you know whose job it is. In addition to asking about prices and checkout times, ask to see a hotel or motel room before you take it. This is a reasonable request even in expensive hotels.

If you're going camping, bring along extra towels, plenty of plastic bags for trash and laundry, a clothesline, flashlights, air mattresses, and, if space allows, pillows.

Make a secret tape for the kids before you leave on a long car trip. You can sing songs, tell stories or jokes and ask questions. When you play it, the kids will get a kick out of identifying the mystery voices. End the tape with instructions to look somewhere in the car for a special prize.

If you'd like to be invited back to your friend's great house, follow two rules faithfully. Do the dishes and leave before you want to.

Source: Anne Perryman, author of The Unexpected Joys and Benefits of Family Travel" (Work & Family Life, June 1996).