January 1999
Looking back ...
1. List some things you can celebrate about your lives together in 1998.
2. In what areas of your relationship did you grow personally? As a couple?
Looking ahead ...
1. What are your plans or goals for your marriage in 1999?
2. How are you willing to change so you can give more to your marriage in 1999, so it can be more nurturing and satisfying?
Take this opportunity to make the new year new, not only for yourself but for your marriage as well.
Put things in perspective. This simply means remembering that most of the things that upset us are not life-or-death emergencies. In fact, when people are confronted with truly "big stuff" - divorce, financial crisis, death of loved ones, sick children - most of us are remarkably courageous and innovative, responding to these major life events by rising to the occasion. However, the same people who somehow get through a crisis are often overwhelmed, stressed out and bothered by all the daily "small stuff" that's part of everyone's life. Somehow, it's the little stuff, not the big stuff, that we struggle with the most.
Don't wait for bad news to appreciate life. Eventually, all of us will receive a much-dreaded piece of bad news. Besides the shock we will undoubtedly feel, one other thing will occur: Our ordinary life will be experienced with heightened appreciation. The things we sometimes take for granted - laughter, beauty, friendships, nature, family, our home - will seem more important and special than before.
There are two distinct ways to look at the uncertainty and fragility of life. One way is to feel defeated and frightened over the inevitability of change. The other, more positive, approach is to use this uncertainty as a constant reminder to be grateful. Instead of postponing this experience of gratitude until you are forced to by some form of bad news, why not begin to treasure your life now?
Let go of your expectations. Expectations are a part of life and seem to be ingrained into our thinking. However, if you can lessen your expectations (even a little bit) about how things are supposed to be and instead open your heart and accept what is, you'll be well on your way to a calmer, much happier life.
The truth is, our expectations are responsible for a great deal of our grief and stress. Since life is rarely exactly the way we expect it should be, we spend a lot of time feeling disappointed, constantly wishing life were different that it actually is. Rather than seeing our part in the process, we continue to blame our circumstances for our frustration.
Don't sweat the little quirks. It's no wonder the people you live with can drive you crazy with their little quirks, such as the way someone eats, breathes, flits her hair or jiggles his leg. After all, you probably spend more time with your family than with anyone else and have far more opportunities to become familiar with their idiosyncrasies. Over time, you come to expect, even anticipate, these little quirks, and when they occur they tend to annoy you. Still, many people are easily bothered by their own quirks and by those of their family members. They focus on them and wish they would go away.
Think of something you did right today. Just for a moment, think of how often you calculate the number of things you did wrong in a given day such as misplacing your keys, forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning, etc.
Now shift gears and think about how often you give yourself credit for doing something right. If you're like the vast majority of people, your ratio of criticisms to compliments is going to be weighted heavily toward the negative. Most people don't realize the price they are paying is a stressful, up-tight and self-destructing life. Focusing on what you do wrong encourages you to sweat the small stuff and makes you feel less than OK, even incompetent.
When you think of things you do right, however, it brings your focus back to the good in yourself. It reminds you of your good intentions and encourages you to give yourself a break and to make allowances for the few little things you do wrong or need to improve. Rather than seeing yourself as a mistake maker, you'll see yourself and everyone else as people who are doing the best they know how.
Speak with loving kindness. It's easy to get into the habit of speaking in a harsh or sarcastic tone to others, saying mean-spirited things, mumbling something disrespectful under your breath and other assorted varieties of negative speech. Unfortunately, this habit has some far-reaching consequences. Speaking in a harsh or negative tone can be received as degrading or hurtful by the other person.
Along with harsh or negative words (however slight) comes a feeling of stress and rigidity, a sort of unpleasant sickness in your heart. It disrupts the harmony of your day and makes you feel a little off, critical or suspicious. Speaking negatively also encourages you to forget all you have to be grateful for and instead keeps you focused on imperfection. In short, no one wins, especially not you.
However, when asked how they themselves had felt toward their siblings when they were children, their answers were negative as well as positive: "jealous," "competitive" and "resentful" but at the same time "loving" and "admiring."
Voices from the past. Those of us with siblings were told by our parents that we should love each other and not fight. And most of us remember from our own childhood how hurtful a sibling's anger or negative remark could be and how it stayed with us for years. The reality, of course, is that feelings of cooperation/competition, love/hate, protectiveness/rejection are part of the normal interaction between siblings. As a parent you shouldn't feel that you are doing a bad job because you can't trust your 3-year-old alone in a room with your new baby or your older kids seem to be endlessly squabbling. It's helpful to learn some ways to handle it:
What's it all about? Young children tend to think about love as a limited commodity. They think parents have only so much of it, and if they have to share it with more people, they'll get less. Older kids often compete for parents' time and attention when they fight. The issue of fairness looms large and stays with us even when we're grown.
It's not all bad. Through their adversarial roles, children learn a great deal about handling human relationships, how to stand up for their rights, how to compete without acting hostile and aggressive, how to resolve conflicts through negotiation and compromise, and how to lose gracefully. Siblings also learn valuable lessons about resilience in human relationships, that they can feel terribly angry at people and then feel loving toward them again with no loss of intimacy.
A new baby. When a new baby comes home, parents are often asked how the older child is reacting. We usually respond, "Oh, he loves his baby sister." It's not so simple. A sibling may feel loving and protective and then will tell you to "take the baby back." Don't deny or dismiss this child's feelings or signs that he or she is upset.
Here are some other ways to help young children.
Encourage older siblings to put their feelings into words. Books on sibling rivalry, available for children of all ages, are good conversation starters.
Talk about the advantages of being the "older" child and how much more he or she can do, such as playing games, sleeping over at Grandma's house, etc.
Ask your older child before you give any outgrown blankets or toys to the baby. They may mean more to the child than you might think.
Source: Susan Ginsburg, EdD, Work and Family Life, Vol. 12, No. 10, Oct. 1998
Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Scientist
(This is the last in the series of newsletters developed by Dr. Herb Lingren, who died in November 1998. It has been our pleasure to publish his work. We look forward to publishing the newsletters again when another faculty member is on board.)