January 1997

'Twas the Night After Christmas

With all the excitement of the holidays, a case of the post-holiday blues may be inevitable, even for preschoolers. "The more your child s routines change during the holidays, the harder the transition back to everyday life will be." But there are ways to minimize your child s distress:

Promote consistency during exciting times. For example, don t allow your child endless treats or let bedtime get too late, even if the tree lights are twinkling and friends are over.

Set a time frame for special events. When you tell your child about a holiday happening, make the end of the event part of your description. You put a definite limit on the occasion when you say, "Grandma is coming for two nights. She is going home the day after Christmas." This prepares your child for the beginning as well as the end of the celebration. The goodbyes and a return to normal become an anticipated part of the holiday.

Make fun plans for the future. Discuss an upcoming trip or a birthday party a few months down the road. This will help take the focus off what s over and place it on the good things to come.

Understanding Children s Feelings

Many of us grew up with parents and other significant adults who denied the intensity or existence of our feelings. They would say things like, "You don t have any reason to be upset" or "It can t be that bad" or "You re making a mountain out of a molehill." For those of us in particular who were raised in homes where emotions were considered to be the enemy and to be avoided at all cost, it is not surprising that feelings still are a mystery to us now that we ourselves have become parents.

Learning to respond empathetically to our children s emotions is critical in helping kids to feel lovable and competent, the two components of high self esteem. One of our goals as parents therefore should be to help children know how they feel and to teach them appropriate ways of expressing these feelings. Children whose feelings are accepted and who receive support to express them in an acceptable way can eventually release them. These kids are less likely to feel the need to sulk, whine or hold a grudge. It s only when the child s negative feelings are accepted that they have room to fully enjoy the good feelings.

Acknowledgment doesn t mean approval. Some of you may be thinking "if I allow my child to express all of her feelings, I m condoning everything she does." This is a common misconception. The truth is, we can accept our children s feelings without allowing unacceptable behavior. We can be permissive with feelings while setting clear, firm limits on behavior. When we acknowledge our children s feelings, it doesn t mean we agree with them. It simply means we hear them. Here are some basic tools for acknowledging feelings:

Listen to your child with undivided attention. Stop whatever else you may be doing. Make eye contact. Avoid the tendency to jump in with instant advice or solutions to children s dilemmas. If you are too busy or stressed to really listen, tell your child. Say that you will be ready in a few minutes, or an hour and follow through!

Let them know you are listening. It s good to say things like, "mmm," "oh" and "I see." When kids are upset, they need something more than silent listening. Trivial though it may sound, reassuring grunts let your child know that you re listening. They say, "I hear you, and I want you to keep talking."

Give kids feelings a name. When children are upset, they are so immersed in their feelings that often they can t identify them. For example, if your son says "Joey s mother is mean. She won t let him play," reflect back to him what you think he is feeling: "You seem disappointed that Joey can t come over to play." Sometimes when we label feelings, children immediately recognize the truth of the label. But don t parrot their words exactly. If we sound like a taped playback, they will begin to question our sincerity.

Grant them their wishes in the realm of make-believe. One hot summer day my daughter and I were stuck in traffic and she began to whine about being thirsty. I tried a lighthearted playful solution and said, "Wouldn t it be great if we had a tub of ice-cold apple juice in the back seat and two long straws." She immediately said, "I could even jump into the back seat and take an apple juice bath." Sometimes by giving kids their wishes in fantasy, they feel as if someone understands them, and it makes it easier to cope with reality.

Share your similar experiences and feelings. Sharing a story about yourself when you were in a similar situation is another effective tool for connecting with your children. "I remember when a friend called to say that she forgot our date and made other plans. I felt angry and hurt." Your child will see that you also struggled with similar issues and that, like you, she can survive them. When you use this approach, be careful not to become the focus of attention or to use the story to minimize your child s upset.

Adapted from The Magic of Encouragement: Nurturing Your Child s Self-Esteem (William Morrow and Company). Work & Family Life, Balancing Job and Personal Responsibilities (September 1996, Vol. 10 No. 9)

Making Committed Relationships Work

The new year is an opportune time for couples to examine their relationship and renew their commitment to make it work. Love is wonderful but no one ever said love relationships are simple or easy. Any partnership even good marriages can have bad times. It may help to consider relationships as a work in progress a long-term commitment in which the "downs" sometime outnumber the "ups."

Relationships are cyclical. "Couples need to be educated to the fact that relationships are developmental, cyclical and that one isn t necessarily happy every moment," says Dr. Fran Jacobs of Tufts University. Ups and downs are part of a cycle couples can expect to experience many times over in their relationship. We may not love our partner all of the time and the other person won t always be there for us. If we accept this reality, we ll have a better chance of getting through the "down" times.

Happiness can t be a goal by itself, writes Dr. Frank Pittman in Private Lives. It s more likely to happen when people are working towards mutual goals. A good partnership comes when people just "let it happen as they experience together the transitions and crises of life and whatever time and space throw them." Shared goals, values, and dreams clearly help keep a relationship alive and vital. Do other factors indicate whether your relationship will make it? There s no crystal ball to give us that answer, but here are some signs of strength to look for and build on:

Flexibility and the ability to compromise. Knowing when to agree to disagree.

The ability to communicate or, at least, the desire to learn how.

Shared decision-making and the ability to acknowledge and respect important aspects of each other s lives.

Pulling together in times of trouble. Sometimes, a specific problem can be a wake-up call that can lead to a stronger relationship.

Sense of humor the ability to lighten up and let go.

Caring enough to fight. Partners who are passionate about their differences stand a better chance of healing.

Realistic expectations and acceptance of the other person s frailties.

The ability of partners to go their separate ways, pursue different interests, then come together and share their experiences.

Rethinking old patterns. Many of the ways in which we interact in our relationships are based on patterns of behavior we learned in the family we grew up in: for example, how we communicate feelings, how we express and assert ourselves and how family roles are divided. But most of us live in different circumstances these days. Some of the behaviors we learned are not what we want our relationships to be like now. Here are some ideas that can help us create and maintain healthy relationships with our partners:

Don t make promises you can t or won t keep.

Be reliable in small things. This helps build trust.

Keep short-term arguments in perspective. These will pass if they are not blown out of proportion.

Give thought to the purpose of your relationship. Be clear about what you want and the value of what you are trying to achieve.

Don t assume the worst every time you have the same hassle. Many fights are triggered by similar events. Examine and try to change negative patterns of interaction in your relationship.

Re-pledge yourselves to each other aloud occasionally.

Keep a journal and photo albums. Read about or look at the good times when things get tough.

Examine the key dimensions of your relationship. Look for ways to strengthen your attraction to each other, improve your communication, feel more trust, have more strength of purpose and enhance your enjoyment of each other.

Source: Making committed-couple relationships work by the Editors of Work & Family Life, Balancing Job and Personal Responsibilities (September 1996, Vol. 10, No. 9)

Older Persons With Alcohol Problems

A reported three million Americans over the age of 60 have a drinking problem including many people who began to abuse alcohol for the first time after the age of 65. As we learn more about the aging process, the reasons for this become clearer. Retirement, feelings of isolation, poor health and the loss of loved ones are all factors that can lead to dependence on alcohol. In addition, as the body ages, liquor becomes more potent not less. Another factor is that the ill effects of drinking are multiplied by many medications commonly prescribed for older people.

Older people hesitate to seek treatment. They are less likely to be affected by the normal constraints that may encourage younger people to get treatment losing a job, arrest for drunk driving or rejection by friends and loved ones. Another concern is that older alcoholics often fear being sent to a nursing home if they seek treatment.

Diagnosis may be difficult. Unfortunately, alcohol abuse in older people can be hard to diagnose because many of the symptoms are similar to or the same as those associated with aging. These range from feelings of tiredness, loss of appetite, forgetfulness and losing things to depression, dementia and incontinence. And children who did not see a drinking problem when they were growing up are less likely to recognize the symptoms in their parents now.

Even when an alcohol problem is diagnosed and acknowledged, people don t want to confront it because they have the attitude: "At their age, what s the harm? Just let them drink." Or, if the drinking has been a life-long problem, people may say, "There s just nothing anyone can do to change the situation." But that is inaccurate. When older people do get treatment, their recovery rates are as good as for any other age group. Twelve-step programs have been found to be successful, particularly when older people are meeting with others of their own generation.