January 1996

Try Family Nights in 1996

What is a Family Night? A time for your family to grow together in unity, faith and justice. Having a Family Night is a custom that a number of religious traditions have encouraged over the past decade or two. The goals are usually to promote family unity and to foster healthy values consistent with the family's faith tradition.

Some family night discussion topics might be:

1. Stewardship/simplicity: How do we deal with the influence of consumerism and TV on our family? How can we best care for the environment?

2. Nonviolence in the family: How can we improve communication, cooperation and peacemaking within our family?

3. Helping children deal with violence in the world: How can we contribute to reducing violence, within our community and the world?

4. Appreciating Cultural Diversity: How can we be enriched by the racial, ethnic and cultural differences among people?

5. Sex-Role Stereotyping: How can we respect both sexes and help each other reach our full potential?

6. Family involvement in social action: How can a family make a dent in the needs of our society?

7. Prayer/spirituality: How can our faith tradition guide and support our values?

Use these themes as a basis for developing activities that your family can use at home to nurture stewardship, nonviolence, tolerance, action and growth. Having a regular time, consciously set aside to be together is away you can stay faithful to your values and share them with your children. Most families value togetherness, but the fast pace of our society often means that unless a family intentionally saves some time (puts it on the calendar like an important meeting or birthday), it gets squeezed out.

Helpful hints for Family Nights

1. It must be fun and attractive, or else. Sometimes parents get so focused on making a point that the Family Night can become a chore or merely a soapbox for the parent(s). It won't stand the test of time. If interest begins to lag, throw in a night of games or splurge on an activity that is rarely allowed, like going out for a fast-food binge. Sharing important values can be accomplished by lightening up, throwing in a little humor, and letting go.

2. Give it time. Perhaps everyone will have a wonderful experience the first time you try one of the Family Nights, perhaps not. Sometimes everyone is in a good mood, the theme fits the family well, and it clicks. Sometimes there just seems to be a black cloud over the home, and everything is a struggle. You might wonder if this is really worth the trouble. After five Family Nights, most families have experienced both and can make a fair evaluation.

3. Be positive. Don't get in the habit of Family Night becoming primarily a gripe session. Although it is appropriate to sometimes work on solving family problems, you will lose interest if this is the norm.

4. Have gentle but clear ground rules. Everyone needs to be clear about what will be acceptable behavior, especially for young children. For example, how much fidgeting will be tolerated? Does hanging your head on the table and playing with the candle wax qualify as lack of interest and, therefore, grounds for being excused? How reverent an attitude or environment will we insist on? The family should mutually agree on guidelines for Family Night behavior. If the children are too young to help develop the guidelines, parents need to be sensitive to making this an enjoyable time, therefore, minimize preaching and heavy-handed discipline.

Resource: Susan Vogt, MARRIAGE Magazine, January, 1995

Avoid the After-the-Holiday Blues

Post-holiday bills combined with "cabin fever" can get the new year off to a bad start. After-the-holiday blues often result from holiday exhaustion and expectations that may have been unrealistic. People do last minute shopping, participate in several parties and try to make the traditional family dinner as pleasant as possible. And, perhaps they watched too many football games on New Year's clay. On top of all of this, the bills for all holiday gaiety come in January, and may be more than the family realized.

Holidays can be especially tiring for families with young children as there is an emphasis for them to be on their best behavior so Santa will come. Whether at home or away, the emphasis is to not let fighting or bickering spoil the holidays. This puts added strain on all family members.

The weather does not help the situation either. "Cabin fever" can be a problem when the family must stay together indoors during the winter months. Parent's need to understand the confinement puts them as well as their children under stress. Young children have a great need for movement and boisterous activity. So, when it is too cold for outdoor play, all that noise is going on inside the house, leading to mother or father feeling like climbing the walls.

However, there is hope for families going through the post-holiday blues. Parents can enroll children in library programs and that they create a special place in the house for children to play. Big boxes may be all children need to build a town, house or fort indoors. It also helps if parents set aside time to play with children. It won't do any good to banish them to the far end of the house or to punish their noisy behavior. Help them get started, play with them for awhile, then get off by yourself. Or you could take the children to a drop-in day care center and that might give a nice break for everyone.

After-the-holiday blues are not limited to families with children. They can strike anyone, especially when regular activities are curtailed by the weather. Anyone who feels depressed might try to find some winter hobbies and activities.

Do all you can do to make the winter season more productive and satisfying. Develop anew hobby, cultivate new friendships or find new activities that are suited for the winter season.

What Do You Do When You Are Angry?

All of us get angry--at our children, our spouse, our relatives, our friends, and even those we don't know very well. How you handle yourself when you get angry can make a difference in that you can strengthen, or damage a relationship depending upon your response. Here are some ideas about handling anger:

1. Take time out to cool down and defuse your anger.

Count to 10, or higher if necessary.

Breathe deeply five times.

Put some space between you and the situation.

2. Don't jump to conclusions. Make sure you get all the facts.

3. Ask yourself: Do I want to keep reacting the same way? What can I did to keep from overreacting?

4. Ask yourself: What can I do to make the situation less confrontational? Can I think this through to a solution?

5. Ask yourself: Will negotiation work? How?

6. Put your anger behind you. Try to be philosophical; tell yourself:

You win some, you lose some.

Things could be a lot worse.

We learn our anger response patterns early in life most likely from one or both of our parents. Like any of our negative behaviors, they can be unlearned. The positive payoff may be high for you in the long-term.

Herbert G. Lingren, PhD

Extension Family Life Scientist