January 1995

Understand What Makes Your Child Angry

A working knowledge of the RETHINK skills, together with an understanding of children's developmental stages, will help you deal with anger as it arises. Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages of child behavior development are outlined below, focusing in particular on what makes children angry:

Infants. Infants need to trust that a parent will take care of them when they are hungry, afraid or angry. They learn to trust their own ability to calm themselves and control their bodies. Many things can trigger an infant's anger. When they are prevented from exploring, are physically uncomfortable, are scolded for their behavior, or feel unsafe, an infant may react with anger.

Ages 2-3. In the 2nd and 3rd year of life, toddlers learn autonomy by walking, opening drawers and feeding themselves, and even by deciding when they will be toilet trained. Toddlers become angry when they are restrained from independent movement or from claiming everything as "mine." They are frustrated: by their own limits while trying to do something; when they are ignored or misunderstood; when they bid for attention; or when a parent tells them "No" or "Stop that."

Ages 4-5. When children move into the preschool years (ages 4 & 5), they begin all kinds of activities and projects and want to be involved in everyone else's activities too. They have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality in their play. At this stage, children may become angry when told to follow rules or asked to think about others. They may feel angry if they are jealous of a sibling, are rushed, or feel that they do not receive enough attention and approval.

Middle Childhood. During the 6th through 11th years, children learn about industry. Engaged in mastering some life skills, particularly in school work, they want to be successful and see themselves positively. During middle childhood, children may become angry when adults try to control them or when their possessions are damaged. If they feel inferior, lack confidence or lose control of themselves, this too may anger them.

Adolescence. Adolescence (ages 12-17) involves learning about identity. During this time, adolescents may experience role confusion. They may doubt themselves and feel unable to develop a strong sense of their own personality, and they may feel alienated and certain that no one understands them. Adolescents' anger often is triggered when they are not allowed to participate in rule making or cannot express or manage their feelings or opinions. They resent being compared to siblings or friends, being labeled "messy," "inconsiderate," or "lazy," and being teased by friends or embarrassed in front of friends.

Source: CHILD AND ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR LETTER, The Brown University, Vol. 10, 1994.

What A Busy Dad Can Do

Most dads work many hours, and when they are not working, still don't spend as much time with their kids as necessary, or as much as they would like. Here are some suggestions for dads as they make their New Year's resolutions:

Spend time alone with your kids. Turn off the TV, read to your kids, take them on errands. Try to be with them either early in the morning or at bedtime.

Make your work life as real as possible. Let kids know where you're going, with whom you work, where you park your car. Take them on a weekend to see where you work if you can't do it any other time.

Make up for events you miss. If you miss the soccer game, arrange for someone to take pictures-and ask questions about the game afterward.

Stay in touch with your kids' school. Don't leave school meetings to mom. Be there to offer your perspective and ask your own questions.

If you have to go away, send cards and call at the same time every day. The conversation need not be long. Hearing your voice will be enough-especially for younger kids.

Source: Work & Family Life, October 1994, Vol. 8, No. 10

Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence

The media blitz resulting from the arrest of O.J. Simpson on murder charges has raised consciousness about the problem of domestic violence-spouse abuse in particular. The key to effective intervention is to help the couple identify early warning signs that a conflict is escalating into a physical altercation so they can interrupt the cycle before violence occurs. In treating hundreds of couples whose problems involve spouse abuse, researchers have identified four phases in this cycle.

The first phase begins when a specific event causes the husband to sulk or withdraw from his wife. The wife notices, and begins asking him what's wrong. His refusal to respond leads her to try harder to reach him. He may then feel nagged and will avoid her, which in turn leads her to pursue him further.

The second phase begins when the husband turns on the offensive and starts an argument. He may accuse his wife of nagging him. He may say that she always brings up issues at the wrong time. He may compare her to his ex-wife, his former lover, or his mother. He tells her to leave him alone, but she persists in trying to reach him.

Phase three begins when the husband starts to get physical- shoving the furniture and throwing dishes. He's constantly in motion, looking for an object on which to vent his frustration. He may push his wife away from him, hurl accusations at her, or hit her, causing her to break into a flood of tears. In most cases, the violence stops there. The husband starts to feel guilty, apologizes, and they make up. This reconciliation is often followed by intense sexual relations that both of them say are the best they've ever had.

In the worst cases, a fourth phase ensues before the couple can reconcile. The insanely jealous husband may decide that murder is the only solution. He may feel that if he can't have his wife, no one else can either. This phase is extremely dangerous and may result in death or serious injury to the wife and her family or friends or to the couple's children, neighbors, or co-workers.

Effective intervention with these couples depends on identifying the triggers that set off the cycle. A marital therapist can trace the precipitating events for each episode of violence and enlist the couple in pinpointing stressors. Common triggers are alcohol, financial concerns, conflict with a boss or supervisor, arguments with parents, jealousy or suspicion about the spouse's whereabouts, and childrearing problems.

It is essential for the couple to learn how to interrupt the cycle. If the trigger leads to phase one or two, both parties can calm down by going to separate rooms and sleeping in separate beds.

If the conflict progresses to the third phase, one of them must leave the house and sleep elsewhere. The next day, they can talk by phone to see if things have cooled down enough for the absent partner to return. Before then, they should meet in public to ensure that calm will prevail. If not, the one who left must stay away longer. (Although both spouses help perpetuate the cycle, the wife should not be blamed for her husband's violence, nor should he be excused from responsibility for maintaining control.)

Why do these wives usually stay with their husbands. Financial survival is a major factor. Many wives also believe their husbands to be essentially good men with some bad traits that can be changed. Finally, the reconciliation period produces intense sexual excitement and recaptures the earlier romantic phase through gifts, candlelight dinners, and flowers.

Source: Martin J. Kirschenbaum, Ph.D., director, Lafayette Couples Resource Center, Lafayette, California, The Menninger Letter