February 1998

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families

Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind. With Habit 2, you create a clear, compelling vision of what your family is_and where you want to go together. The most profound, significant and far-reaching application of Habit 2 is the family mission statement. This is a combined, unified expression from all family members of what it is your family really wants to do and be_and the principles you choose to govern your family life. Here's how to create a mission statement in your family.

Step one: Explore what your family is all about. Call a family meeting to introduce the idea and start the process. Be explicit with the idea that you want the mission statement to serve as a unifying and motivating influence for everyone in the family. Ask questions such as: What things are truly important to us as a family? What are our family's highest priority goals? What kind of relationships do we want to have with each other? What are our responsibilities as family members?

Step two: Write your family mission statement. The process of writing crystallizes your thoughts and distills learning and insights into words. It also reinforces learning and makes the expression visible and available to everyone in the family. Family members will need to work with it until everyone comes to an agreement: "This is our mission. We believe it. We buy into it. We are ready to commit to live it."

Step three: Stay on track. A mission statement is meant to be the constitution of your family life, the foundational document that will unify and hold your family together for decades_even generations_to come.

Habit 3: Put first things first. There's no way we can be successful in our families if we don't prioritize them in our lives. There is probably no single structure that will help you to prioritize more than a weekly family night. On a typical night you would review our calendar of upcoming events, hold a council to discuss issues and problems, have a talent recital so the kids could show us how they were coming along with their music or dance lessons, do a short lesson and a family activity and serve refreshments. In this way, you'd accomplish what we've come to feel are the four main ingredients of a successful family night: planning, problem-solving, teaching and fun.

Habit 4. Think "Win-Win." The force that does the greatest damage to relationships is the climate created within the family by negative emotions_competition, criticism, blaming, anger. The key to handling these challenges is to cultivate a family culture of mutual respect, understanding and creative cooperation.

No one likes to lose_especially in close family relationships. So win-win is the only solid foundation for effective family interaction. It's the only pattern of thinking and interacting that builds long-term relationships of trust and unconditional love.

Of course, there will be times when parents have to say no to children. If parents cultivate the spirit of win-win whenever they can, children will better understand and accept those decisions that sometimes seem to them to be win-lose.

One way to achieve this is to let them win in the little things. Try to distinguish between matters of principle and matters of preference, and only take a stand on things that really count.

Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. There's simply no way to have rich, rewarding family relationships without real understanding. Most mistakes with our family members are not the result of bad intent. It's just that we don't understand. We don't see clearly into each other's hearts. Really listening to get inside another person's mind and heart is called "empathic" listening. It enables you to see as someone else sees_and it also helps family members feel safe in sharing, gets to the real issues and helps people connect with their own unique gifts.

But there's more to Habit 5. It doesn't mean seek only to understand. It simply means that you listen and understand first. This is the key to being understood and influencing others. When you are open to their influence, you'll almost always have greater influence with them. Remember, the key is in the sequence: First you seek to understand another person's point of view; then you share your own. It's not just what to do. It's also why and when.

Habit 6: Synergize: Synergy is the magic that happens when one plus one equals three_or more. It comes out of the spirit of mutual respect and understanding you've created and produces a brand-new way to solve a problem. The key to synergy is to celebrate the differences in your family. It's not enough to simply tolerate differences in the family. To have the kind of creative magic we're talking about, you must be able to say sincerely, "The fact that we see things differently is a strength_not a weakness_in our relationship."

Synergy also helps create a culture in which you can successfully deal with any challenge you might face. The culture created by Habits 4, 5 and 6 is like an immune system. It protects your family so that when mistakes are made, or when you get blindsided by some physical, financial or social challenge, you don't get knocked out. You can deal with whatever life throws at you and use it to make the family stronger.

Habit 7: Sharpen the saw. If done properly, consistently and in a balanced way, Habit 7 will cultivate all of the other six habits and keep them strong and vibrant. How? Simply by using them in renewing activities_especially, family traditions. That's what we mean by "sharpening the saw." Traditions give family members a sense of belonging, of being understood, of being supported, of being committed to something that's greater than self. And the family renews the emotional energy of a tradition every time they revisit it. Think of all the opportunities for fulfilling traditions: