February 1997

Making Committed Relationships Work

February is a good time for committed couples to examine their relationship to try and make it work better. Love is wonderful but no one ever said love relationships are simple or easy. Any partnership even good marriages can have bad times. It may help to consider relationships as a work in progress a long-term commitment in which the "downs" sometimes outnumber the "ups."

Relationships are cyclical. Couples need to be educated to the fact that relationships are developmental, cyclical and that one isn't necessarily happy every moment. Ups and downs are part of a cycle couples can expect to experience many times over in their relationship. We may not love our partner all of the time and the other person won't always be there for us. If we accept this reality, we'll have a better chance of getting through the "down" times.

"Happiness can't be a goal by itself," writes Dr. Frank Pittman in Private Lives. It's more likely to happen when people are working towards mutual goals. A good partnership comes when people just "let it happen as they experience together the transitions and crises of life and whatever time and space throw them." Shared goals, values, and dreams clearly help keep a relationship alive and vital. Do other factors indicate whether your relationship will make it? There's no crystal ball to give us that answer, but here are some signs of strength to look for and build upon:

. Flexibility and the ability to compromise..knowing when to agree to disagree.

. The ability to communicate or, at least, the desire to learn how.

. Shared decision-making and the ability to acknowledge and respect important aspects of each other's lives.

. Pulling together in times of trouble. Sometimes, a specific problem can be a wake-up call that can lead to a stronger relationship.

. Sense of humor the ability to lighten up and let go.

. Caring enough to fight. Partners who are pssionate about their differences stand a better chance of healing.

. Realistic expectations and acceptance of the other person's frailties.

. The ability of partners to go their separate ways, pursue different interests, then come together and share their experiences.

Rethinking old patterns. Many of the ways we interact in our relationships are based on patterns of behavior we learned in the family in which we grew up: for example, how we communicate feelings, how we express and assert ourselves and how family roles are divided. But most of us live in different circumstances these days. Some of the behaviors we learned are not what we want our relationships to be like now. Here are some ideas that can help couples create and maintain healthy relationships with our partners:

Don't make promises you can't or won't keep.

Be reliable in small things. This helps build trust.

Keep short-term arguments in perspective. These will pass if they are not blown out of proportion.

Give thought to the purpose of your relationship. Be clear about what you want and the value of what you are trying to achieve.

Don t assume the worst every time you have the same hassle. Many fights are triggered by similar events. Examine and try to change negative patterns of interaction in your relationship.

Re-pledge yourselves to each other aloud occasionally.

Keep a journal and photo albums. Read about or look at the good times when things get tough.

Examine the key dimensions of your relationship. Look for ways to strengthen your attraction to each other, improve your communication, feel more trust, have more strength of purpose and enhance your enjoyment of each other.

Source: Editors, Work and Family Life. September, 1996.

Parental Role in School Success

Are high academic achievers more likely to become well-adjusted and productive citizens? Yes! A nationwide study of high achievers found that the attitudes, habits and discipline that worked for students in the classroom served them well as adults. This study also confirmed the results of other research and provided solid evidence for something many of us intuitively feel: that parents can play a critical role in our children s success at school. Here are some other findings:

Any child with basic intellectual endowment can become a high achiever in school. Kids do not have to have a high IQ or a special talent for creativity. School achievement is most likely to happen when parents and teachers work together. Parents are more effective when they guide instead of push kids to do well in school.

Learning is rooted in curiosity. Because young kids are naturally curious, this is a trait parents can help to develop as kids grow older. The sense of curiosity and desire to explore serves to reinforce and strengthen children's later ability to learn.

Not all high academic achievers are early bloomers especially kids who have had a learning disability or a physical challenge in their early years. Many students who go on to great success in school may have experienced failure along the way.

Children learn through observation. Seeing parents read inspires kids to read. Seeing parents start and finish activities and work assignments motivates children to do the same. When parents turn off the television set so they can spend time reading a book, they send a powerful message to children.

Having responsibilities and doing chores at home helps kids develop skills and work habits that are transferable to the classroom.

Quiet time is important for learning. Kids need a space of their own (however small) in which to think, study and do homework.

Extended families can form an important support system for high achievers not only parents but grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as teachers, coaches, neighbors and friends.

Parents of high academic achievers tend to emphasize children's accomplishments, not merely their good grades. They encourage their children's learning for learning's sake not to show off their children's abilities. They are not strongly influenced by what other parents may think or do.

Source: Parents' key role in children's success at school by Arline L. Bronzaft, Ph.D. - Work & Family Life Balancing Job and Personal Responsibilities October 1996, Vol. 10, No. 10

Spoiled Kids

Nobody wants a spoiled child. Sure, kids act bratty or whiny or demanding sometimes. But when "sometimes" becomes "most of the time" parents need to take a look at what's happening. Why should they be concerned? Because spoiled kids tend to be selfish and self-centered inconsiderate of others, unable to tolerate frustration and unwilling to compromise. If there's one word to characterize them, it is entitled. They feel entitled to have other people do things for them and to get what they want when they want it.

Needless to say, a spoiled child has trouble getting along with other kids and with adults as well. And, spoiled kids often grow up to be adults who feel entitled to break rules and generally to be treated as someone "special." So adults are not doing themselves or their children a favor by letting them become spoiled.

Too many presents. Many people assume that kids get spoiled when given them too many presents. Most experts disagree. While adults should try not to go overboard, it's OK to give children gifts as long as the choice belongs to the giver and not because of being bullied into buying something or made to feel guilty. As psychologist Dr. Anthony Wolf puts it, "You begin to spoil a child when you give gifts, not because you want to, but because you feel forced to." Parents, need to help children make the distinction between what they want and what they need. They must also make this distinction for themselves. Children are not spoiled by presents; they are spoiled by adults who think children should have every present they want.

Who's in charge? By the same token, it's not indulgence that spoils a child, it is failing to set and enforce guidelines consistent with the child's age. And this doesn't happen overnight. It is the sum of a lot of little decisions that parents make. It's not teaching a toddler that some things are simply out of bounds. It's being inconsistent about bedtime rules, or always jumping in and doing things for kids that they can and should do for themselves.

Are working parents at risk? It is particularly hard for working parents to stand firm. The time they have with their kids is precious and they don't want to spoil it with scenes or tantrums. Concerned that our kids will get angry and love us less, parents take the line of least resistance. So, they let their four-year-old eat cookies before dinner or they empty the dishwasher even though this is the teenager's chore. Guilt is a big factor. However illogical it may be, working parents still feel guilty for leaving their kids for so many hours. Giving in to kids because of guilt is a special problem for single and divorced parents, who already may feel they have complicated their kids' lives enough and just want to make things easier.

Willingness to be "in charge". But it's not just a matter of being too permissive. It's that many parents feel uncomfortable being "the boss" and communicating to their children that they are in charge. For example, as we talk to our kids, many of us without realizing it say "OK" at the end of sentences, as in "We're going to the store now, OK?" This sounds more like a question than a statement. Such mixed messages spoil the child's ability to learn to differentiate between orders that have to be obeyed and adult statements that are open to negotiation.

Does discipline lessen self-esteem? Many parents themselves have also received mixed messages about self-esteem and spoiling. They believe they must be constantly praising their kids and if they discipline them, it may hurt their self-esteem. However, self-esteem is about being competent, confident and a contributing member of the family as well as being loved. Therefore, if parents jump in and do everything for their children, they are actually undermining their self-esteem by depriving them of opportunities to feel good about doing things for themselves.

Source: Work & Family Life. October 1996.