February 1996

Why Violence?

Many adults are appalled at the frequency and severity of youth violence. While they may occasionally see violence on television, in the movies or in the newspaper, most have difficulty in understanding its occurrence in the schools, in the streets and among increasingly younger kids.

Why is there such an alarming occurrence in our society, in our communities and in our schools? What, if anything, can we do?

The use of violence as a solution is a "cultural script." Kids learn it, carry it over into adulthood, and will act it out-particularly when they lose control of their behavior. There is a basic lack of respect for people.

One cause of childhood violence is declining adult supervision, both at home and in the streets. A high percentage of delinquent boys come from families when there is no father in the household, or, where the father is abusive or violent.

Another is the violent imagery to which children are exposed at younger and younger ages. TV, movie or home violence promotes an acceptance of violent acts and increased aggression. For young kids it has a traumatic effect. For older kids, it has a corrupting effect.

Kids and young adult males are rewarded for being tough-for intimidating people.

They learn that "guns mean power", violence means power-intimidation and control are rewarded-music with violent lyrics sells- football is a violent game.

What can we do to help?

See violent behavior as an ethical issue, not just an anger management problem.

Reduce violent TV and movie watching-especially for vulnerable children.

Expose children to adult models who demonstrate how to properly handle jealousy, and seemingly "win-lose" situations.

Teach respect-males must learn to respect others-particularly women.

Cognitive restructuring for youth and adults-changing people's ideas about how to resolve differences.

Anger management, violence prevention, handling jealousy, respect, negotiation skills MUST be taught in school, in 4-H, in churches, in communities-and it must be MODELED by community adults-especially by the parent and family members.

Provide caring, nurturing adults in the lives of children. Teach men to be nurturers.

The only way to reduce youth violence is for adults to provide an environment that does not reward such behavior. Adults must be willing to provide greater supervision for youth, both in the home and in the community. Society must be willing to make some tough decisions about accepting and promoting violent behavior. Until adults become more willing to provide non-violent role models, the task will be difficult indeed.

A Lesson in Morality

A three-year-old seems hardly ready to learn about such abstract concepts as compassion and justice. However, these values are exactly what parents teach as they establish family rules and chores, says William Kilpatrick, PhD, author of Why Johnny Can't Tell Right from Wrong (Simon & Schuster). Parents convey their moral values to their children when they attach definitive explanations to behavior. So instead of merely telling your preschooler to put away his or her crayons, explain the guiding rule: "We're all responsible for our actions, so when we make a mess, we clean it up." Basic rules of conduct evolve into the youngster's guide-lines for living a moral life. Be sure the chose you assign are appropriate to the child's age. For young children, these might be placing forks on the dinner table or putting newspapers in the recycling box.

Source: Working Mother Magazine, May, 1994

Grandparenting After Divorce

When family separation or divorce occurs, concern usually centers on how it affects any children involved. But such disruptions also affect members of the extended family-including grandparents and even great-grandparents. Because of increased life expectancy during this century, more than 75 percent of older persons are now grandparents. More than 40 percent are also great-grandparents.

Grandparents whose adult children divorce are not only faced with adapting to a new relationship with their grandchildren, but are also likely to experience difficulty in developing their own grandparenting role. Those who become grandparents at mid-life (age 40-65) are often not ready to take on a more active role with their grandchildren. But divorce may force them to make a difficult choice about their future involvement with the children.

Older grandparents (over age 65) commonly have more time and desire to fill the grandparent role. In doing so, they often serve as a mentor, family historian, storyteller, and "indulger" of the grandchildren. Divorce can cause grief and even anger at being denied this privilege. It may also threaten the grandparent's sense of biological renewal and the tie to future generations through the grandchildren.

Custody arrangements also affect grandparents. Since maternal custody is more common, the maternal grandparents usually maintain greater contact, often helping with child care. Paternal grandparents may even find themselves excluded. Custodial grandparents may also be faced with providing increased emotional and financial support. In addition to placing financial strain on an income already reduced by retirement, such expectations may produce increased tension and overinvolvement with the adult child.

Remarriage by the divorced parent also leads to further renegotiation of the grandparenting role. And new step-grandparents may find it difficult to establish relationships with any children, particularly adolescents. Some step-grandparents may even avoid getting close because of grief and anger over the disruption of the previous bond.

Grandparents may also face legal difficulties in maintaining relationships with their grandchildren. That's because parents' and children's rights and wishes take precedence. All states have grandparent visitation legislation, but it is not uniform. In addition, visitation arrangements may arouse conflict with the divorcing parents.

When divorce disrupts the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren, the grandparents may need help to work through their feelings of grief, anger, depression, disappointment, and loss. In some cases, they may want to participate in foster grandparent programs. Such activities can gratify the desire to play a role in a child's life, as well as provide a positive influence on children who lack much extended family.

Source: The Menninger Letter, Vol. 2, No. 3, March 1994

Handling the "Why?" Questions

Sometimes a child's "why" questions aren't a genuine expression of curiosity; sometimes they're a way to get attention, test limits or to control a situation. That's why you need to look beyond the question and examine your youngster's motivation. If he or she bombards you with "why?" questions the moment you return home from work, for example, it may be his or her way of saying he or she misses you. So you have to make time for your child, even if it's only to say "Let's write it down and talk about it as soon as I have more time."

Not surprisingly, "why" questions also tend to pop up around bedtime. A five-year-old is notorious for coming out with "One more thing, Mommy. Why is. . .?" as soon as he or she hits the sheets. What's the child's really trying to do is stay up later. As a parent, you need to be pretty firm about limits. So you may respond, "That's a really good question. We'll talk about it in the morning."

"Why" questions that challenge your authority-"Why can't I have chocolate ice cream for breakfast?"-are bound to surface. When they do, give your child simple answers such as, "Because ice cream is a dessert, and it's not a good idea to eat desserts for breakfast." If these types of answers don't satisfy your child, and he or she continues to try to control the situation, you may be forced to resort to "Because I said so."

There's a nicer way to say it, however. You might try "Because you're not big enough to know what's best for you. I know what's best for you. I know you don't like it. I know it makes you mad. But this is the way it has to be. When you're a parent, you can do things your way.

Source: Carol Bialkowski, WORKING MOTHER Magazine, April, 1994