February 1995

When A Family Crisis Strikes

Home, sweet home." These words recall a haven in the turbulent storms of life. But what happens when a crisis threatens your family's foundation? "It's quite natural in a crisis for family members to distance themselves from each other because so many energies become focused on the problem," says Laura Kastner, Ph.D., clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington School of Medicine. "Depression, anxiety and confusion can cause alienation [among] family members and [add] more distraction to what's causing the stress."

Parents of a child who has just been diagnosed with diabetes, for example, may focus on the regimen of insulin injections and testing blood sugar levels at the expense of their marriage or individual health. Your family doesn't have to let that happen, Dr. Kastner says. Dealing with challenging storms in life as a family just takes some additional work.

Stressors such as illness, unemployment and financial problems have a way of absorbing a lot of our energies and attention. Parents need to focus on maintaining family health and keep a priority on supporting family relationships. Kastner offers these practical suggestions:

• Be realistic in sizing up a bad situation, rather than exaggerating it.

• Accept that hard times happen to everyone; you're not alone.

• Ask for help rather than trying to handle hardships by yourself.

• Take a problem-solving approach to resolving conflicts instead of blaming others for the problem.

• Keep channels of communication open and clear.

• Let other family members know you love them and remind them that "we're all in this together."

• Tolerate and accept differences in one another.

• Be willing to address, rather than ignore, unresolved family issues that come up during stressful times.

• Avoid substance abuse.

• When problems arise, negotiate a solution among involved family members instead of using force or violence.

Discipline: Too Much or Too Little

A certain amount of conflict between parents and children is normal and necessary. How you handle the inevitable conflict is what really matters. Discipline, to most of us, suggests punishment and we often confuse the two. In fact, the words have very different meanings.

Discipline comes from the Greek word disciplina, which means "to teach" or "to lead." In the truest sense of this word, we are teaching our children how to lead themselves. We are teaching them to be self-disciplined, so they can make responsible choices when we're not around. When we set firm boundaries, we provide children with a sense of safety and security. When we discipline with love, we give two important messages: I care too much about you to allow you to act inappropriately and I care enough about you to take the time and effort to teach you how to behave.

The authoritarian parent expects and demands obedience: "because I said so." When standards are externally imposed and children have very little room to question, challenge, disagree, or to think for themselves, they get the impression: "My ideas must not be very good. I need someone else to make my decisions for me. When children disobey, authoritarian parents often react by spanking. This may work in the short run to change a child's behavior and relieve our own frustrations, but it's more likely to create resentment than improve behavior. Recent research shows that children who are hit are more likely to hit other children, and they learn to accept violence as a way of solving problems.

It's easy for working parents and single parents especially to fall into the permissive approach, partly because it often takes less energy to give in than to be firm. And, we may be trying, unconsciously, to make up for not spending as much time as we would like with our children. So we become wishy-washy-saying no but don't really mean it.

Some permissive parents are reacting to overly strict, controlling methods used by their own parents. Children are pragmatic: they do what works. They can sense guilt and indecisiveness and will push until you give in. Studies have shown that children of permissive parents are often low achievers and poor problem-solvers. Children may not like what you say to them all the time, but they feel safe and secure knowing what the rules are and what you expect of them.

The authoritative approach to parenting is somewhere between authoritarian and permissive. Parents encourage cooperation and teach reasoning by working together with their children to establish rules and responsibilities. The rules are clearly defined and enforced in an attitude of dignity and mutual respect. Children who are raised with clear guidelines and are encouraged to live with the consequences of their choices will be better able to think for themselves. They also tend to be more considerate of others and more independent than children raised in permissive or authoritarian homes.

We must commit ourselves to a positive approach to discipline- one that includes respect, clearly defined expectations and limits- so our children can develop the self-esteem and self-discipline we want them to have.

Source: Stephanie Marston, The Magic of Encouragement: Nurturing Your Child's Self Esteem. Morrow, 1994.

Sharing Work and Home

My husband and I both work full time, yet I have responsibility for all the household chores. David earns considerably more than I do and says he shouldn't have to do work at home, too. Our discussions about this go nowhere, and I'm feeling angry and resentful.

This is a common problem among two-income couples. Men often fail to recognize the unfairness of letting their working wives shoulder all the household responsibilities. Many feel that earning a higher salary exonerates them from having to pitch in at home.

As upsetting as these attitudes may be, change is possible. "The first step is to try to figure out what's really going on in the relationship," says Anita Weinred Katz, PhD, a couples therapist in New York City. If, for example, your husband holds a traditional view of himself as breadwinner, he may feel that by bringing home a higher salary, he's already "doing his part"-and feel angry that you don't recognize and appreciate this.

There is also the question of power within the marriage. Clearly, David feels that he has a choice about whether to do his share, while you do not-an imbalance of power. It's important to discuss "why he feels his only role in the family is to earn an income," says Katz.

How can you approach these issues with David? To avoid another discussion that "goes nowhere," Katz suggests finding a time when the two of you can sit down and quietly talk about what you want and need from each other. "Take turns talking without being interrupted," advises Katz. "At first you may want to set a time limit of five minutes or so. After each person speaks, the other should repeat back what's been said. Then you'll know if you are hearing each other correctly." Try to state your feelings without making accusations. For instance, "I feel taken advantage of and exhausted when I make dinner and have to clean up afterward, too." Your spouse is less likely to be defensive.

"Remember that results won't be immediate. You will probably need to have several conversations," says Katz. "But think of it as a learning process. You're trying to find a more productive way to talk and listen to each other." The breakthrough comes when you can appreciate each other's point of view. "Once you both feel understood, you can begin to work toward finding a solution," Katz says. Where chores are concerned, that will mean negotiating to divvy them up more equitably.

If this exercise doesn't work, you may have to suggest to David that you see a marriage counselor together. This will give you both a fresh perspective on your relationship and also convey to your husband how important the matter really is.

Source: Deborah Wilburn, WORKING MOTHER, November, 1994