December 1998

'Tis the Season

Few pleasures surpass a parent's annual license to go hog-wild in the toy store. Still, the parent inside us inevitably raises a question or two. Apart from the pitfalls of overindulgence, there's the matter of just who is being indulged. Are those terrific toys really for our kids - or for us?

The answer is, or should be, both. There's nothing wrong with giving children items from our own bygone wish lists (or the modern equivalents), if the toy benefits the child's age and disposition.

It's even OK to balance the urge toward generosity with a little enlightened selfishness, to ask yourself, for instance, what a particular purchase will do for you. Your son wants a boom box to play CDs? Fine, but check whether it has earphones.

The best payoff - and one parents sometimes overlook - is that many toys give us an opportunity to join in the fun. If a certain gadget, video or computer game appeals to you, then you're apt to spend more time with it and your child, which can only be to the good. Just as kids use doll houses and building sets to play their way into maturity, we can use them to "grow down," to re-enter the life of a child and discover their point of view. After all, there's no gift so wonderful, at any age, as a passport to the land of the imagination. Reduce Stress During the Holidays

Coping with the holidays can be difficult for some people because they are extremely stressful times. So many things need to be done that we often let the pressures of making extra preparations spoil the event. To reduce the tension, pressure and frustrations that cause stress, here are some suggestions:

1. Set priorities - first things first! Ask yourself, "What am I doing that doesn't have to be done?"
2. Don't plan to do more in a day than time and energy will allow.
3. Learn to share responsibilities with other family members and don't feel guilty about asking.
4. Avoid being a super person or a perfectionist. No one should be expected to do everything.
5. Recognize what can be changed and what cannot, and don't worry about the latter.
6. Be realistic about the demands and expectations you place on yourself and others.
7. Allow time for yourself each day, private time to do personal things not tied to others or a timetable.

Remember, you are a special person, so make it a special holiday with less stress by planning well and involving others. Those with whom you share duties and experiences can be your personal, private support system.

Ho-Ho-Ho!

Parents do their part as well to reinforce the myth of the jolly old elf. From sneaking the desired toys under the tree late at night to drinking the milk and eating the cookies, parents provide "proof" that Santa really was there. Parents relish this chance to relive their own childhood Christmases.

Yet, as parents we also remember the moment when the awful truth that Santa Claus was only make-believe finally dawned on us, or worse, was thrust upon us by an older child or sibling. It marked a certain loss of innocence, and, in some cases, it caused real pain as we were forced to relinquish such a perfect fantasy.

Naturally, as our own children approach the age when reason or a taunting schoolmate is likely to explode the Santa Claus myth, parents wonder how they can soften the blow. Do you sit your child down and reveal the hoax, or do you wait until someone else does it for you?

The trick, say child development experts, is to do neither. Left to their own devices, most children gradually begin to spot inconsistencies in the Santa story and start to figure out that he doesn't really exist. Coming to that understanding is an early milestone for children as they learn to separate the real from the make-believe.

A New View of 'Quality Time'

What is quality time? It was an idea dreamed up in the '70s to help working parents feel better about not spending more time with their families. When so many moms started working outside the home, they were told that the quality of time - rather than the quantity of time - one spends with children is what counts. But this concept seems to have backfired.

What do we expect? To most of us, quality time refers to a period of concentrated, uninterrupted time with our kids, our partners or our friends. We expect this time to be relaxed and free of conflict. It also should give us a chance to have meaningful conversations and do worthwhile activities together.

But too often it doesn't work that way. Schedules conflict. We can't control the weather or people's moods. Our children - and for that matter, our spouses and friends - can't be forced to act at the level of intimacy we want just because it's convenient for us. All too often, when our attempts to create quality time don't meet our expectations, we end up feeling guilty or shortchanged and ready to give up on the idea. But should we?

Another view of quality time. All parents know that certain times spent with their kids have greater quality than others. The question is how to maximize the quality part. If we redefine the term, we're more likely to have it work for us. A good suggestion from child psychiatrist Dr. William H. Koch is to think of it as interactive time. By this definition, it can be the time you spend running errands with your kids, going through the car wash together, or asking someone in your family to sit with you while you drink a cup of coffee. It can be when you allow yourself to slow down to a kid's pace - when you're not distracted, when you're tuned in and really paying attention to a child or another adult.

Here are some pitfalls and possibilities for quality time, and some ways of sorting out what it really is and is not.

Quality time does not mean devoting yourself exclusively to your child to compensate for when you were not there. When children expect to always be amused by someone or something else, they are less likely to develop their own resources and learn how to enjoy themselves on their own.

Quality time does not mean letting family rules slide. Working parents tend to do this because they want the time they spend with their children to be peaceful and free of conflict. While this approach may work in the short run, kids feel more secure when rules and routines are maintained. Trying to achieve quality time by not setting or enforcing limits does not help children learn to tolerate frustration or develop self-control.

Quality time does not require a special activity. Closeness between a parent and a child or between two adults can take place in quiet, "do-nothing" times as well as on family outings or activities. Bear in mind that as children get older and take longer to tell you what's really on their minds, "hanging out" time becomes even more important.

Quality time need not be problem-free. Growth for children as well as ourselves comes from solving problems. Quality time can include dealing constructively with a stressful situation. Children learn more when they help deal with problems than when their parents are tied up in knots because their quality time has gone to pieces.

Quality time does not have to be provided only by parents. Shared time with a caregiver, aunt or uncle, friend, or grandparent can be just as much fun and meaningful to children.

Source: Work & Family Life, Vol. 12, No. 9, September 1998

Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Specialist