December 1997

Before You Leave For The Holidays...

Make sure:

Source: Vicki Lansky, Work and Family Life, Vol. 9, No. 5, May 1995.

Holiday Legends

The Christmas tree is probably the best known of our holiday plants, as it is most closely identified with the joy and goodwill of the season. According to legend, the Christmas tree originated in Germany with Martin Luther (1483-1546). While walking through a starlit, snow- covered forest in his homeland, Luther was deeply moved by the scene. In an attempt to duplicate it, he brought a small evergreen into his own home. Lighted candles were attached to its boughs to simulate the reflection of the stars he had seen. This custom did not spread beyond Germany until 1700.

Another traditional holiday plant, holly, also gained its renown in Germany. According to legend, the person who first brings holly into the home each year, rules that household for the coming year.

The kissing legend about mistletoe originated in the Scandinavian countries. It was said that the son of Venus was once severely injured by an arrow made of mistletoe. While mourning over her son, Venus' tears formed white berries on the plant. After her son recovered, Venus was so happy she bestowed a kiss on anyone passing under the mistletoe. Poinsettia, the most popular potted plant during the holidays, originated in Mexico. A poor Mexican girl brought the weed as a gift to the Christ child's manger and upon presenting it, the upper leaves of the weed changed to a bright red color and became the beautiful plant we know today.

We all have traditions, rituals and legends associated with the holiday season. It's important we follow them because they are what give meaning to the holidays and will become the stuff that memories are made of.

Asking a Relative to Move In

The decision to invite an older relative to move in with you should not be made hastily. Here are some questions to ask and issues to consider before you decide.

  • How well do you and your relative get along? Look at unresolved conflicts and frictions as well as pleasant and unpleasant aspects of your earlier relationship. Consider areas of incompatibility, food preferences, use of alcohol and cigarettes, standards of cleanliness and order, choice of friendships, religious practices.

  • How does everyone in the household feel about a joint living arrangement? Will the older person's presence complicate or relieve other family pressures (financial, etc.)?

  • Does your house have enough space for another person and still give everyone some privacy? Will any changes need to be made (slippery rugs, railings)? Will the bathroom accommodate an older person? Is closet space adequate?

  • How will joint living areas be set up? What about children's noise or loud music if older people are resting or ill? How will room temperature be handled?

  • Do you know people who would enjoy becoming friends with your older relative? Are there programs or social activities available in your community?

  • Who will be in charge and provide daily care if the older person becomes ill? Will your siblings be prepared to help out with caregiving or provide financial support? How could a long-term caregiving situation affect the entire family?

    The Fine Line Between Overprotection and Neglect

    Many loving, busy parents today are convinced that they aren't spending enough time with their children. Result: Exhausted parents-and particularly single parents succumb to feelings of guilt and inadequacy when there's no reason for them to chastise themselves. And children, newly accustomed to being the center of attention, have become overly dependent upon-and demanding of-their parents.

  • Why guilt hurts. Parents' feelings of guilt don't help children-they destabilize the family. And parents who get too involved with their children's lives don't establish the distance necessary for the youngsters to grow and learn from their own mistakes. These are experiences that build self-esteem and help children become responsible adults. Children need to feel secure so they can go about fulfilling their potential. There are two cornerstones to a child's security-love and discipline. The essence of discipline are the three R's-rules, routines and responsibilities. A parent's job is to establish and enforce the three R's. The love comes naturally. There are some simple child-rearing principles that parents should keep in mind throughout the years their children are growing up.

  • Pay careful attention to your marriage-or yourself, if you're a single parent. Your marriage, if it is nurturing and satisfying, will give your children more security than any amount of attention. If you are single, your sense of self-respect and fulfillment as a person can act as the same sort of anchor for children.

  • Expect your children to obey you. Don't apologize for decisions you make. Children need strong, confident parents upon whom they can count to be authoritative, decisive and trustworthy. You are in charge of the family. As long as your children live in your house, they don't have a right to make decisions for themselves...you allow them the privilege of making decisions. And you always have the option of revoking that privilege if it is abused.

  • Nurture your children's responsibility within this structure. Allow your children to make choices, and let them know that they must accept the outcomes. From an early age, expect them to make regular, tangible contributions to the family. That means doing chores for which they don't get paid. And it means letting your children take responsibility for their own actions. Don't create the impression that it is perfectly acceptable to run after the bus every day-let your children cope with the consequences of being late or arriving at school without the permission slips they left on the kitchen table. This approach may seem severe, but it is the only way children will learn to be responsible.

  • Say no, and say it often. This is a healthy dose of vitamin N. If the response is a tantrum, so be it. Exposure to frustration prepares children for therealities of adulthood and gives them a tolerance for frustration that eventually develops into perseverance, which is a key ingredient to every success story. Your obligation is not to make your children happy but to give them the skills to pursue happiness on their own. Important: Don't say no arbitrarily-rules must be consistent and the reasons for them explained.

  • Where toys are concerned, less is more. Having too many toys destroys a young child's ability to make creative decisions. If a youngster has too many options, he/she becomes overwhelmed and can't decide which toy to play with. Then he says he's bored and has nothing to do. A child with too many toys also misses out on the magic of making do, which exercises imagination, initiative, creativity, resourcefulness and self-reliance. The best toys leave much to children's imagination-they can be whatever the child wants to make of them. An older child can earn the money for the toys he/she wants by doing extra chores...a teenager who wants a car should prove he can pay for it by getting a part-time job.

  • Turn off the tube. Preschool children need to play so they can develop basic competency skills, learned by touching and exploring their environment. Nothing happens when a child sits passively in front of a television screen. Children shouldn't be allowed to watch much television until they have learned to read and enjoy books, usually between third and fifth grades. By that age, watching a few TV programs that represent the world in a realistic way (nature specials, history-based movies, documentaries, sports and cultural events) can't hurt. But you'll likely find that kids will enjoy reading as much as-if not more than-television, especially if you and your spouse read a lot at home.

  • Don't be intimidated by the experts. Use suggestions and ideas that make sense to you and your family, but remember that all parents make mistakes now and then, and children aren't permanently scarred by them. Raise your children your way, and enjoy the results.

    Source: Bottom Line Personal, Vol. 18, No. 17, Sept. 1997.