Keep Your Family Calm During the Holidays

As the holidays approach, parents seem a little more strained, as though they are already suffering from overload. Of course, this pressure comes from wanting their kids to have the best holidays ever. But when parents mistakenly assume that they have to do everything, they're bound to feel tense and unhappy. Ironically, what kids need most for a joyful time are reasonably relaxed parents who can enjoy the festivities with them!

Think back to last year. Did you really have fun during the holidays, or were you too stressed out? If tension was a problem, what triggered it? Did other family members suffer stress as well? If you want to change the pattern this year so you and your family get the holiday you deserve, you can. Here are some simple tips on how to avoid the most common stressors;

1.You're so busy the kids feel disconnected. Often we are so involved in food, festivities and work that we forget the kids.

. Slow down and reconnect. Your kids need 10 minutes of your uninterrupted attention. As soon as you get together at the end of the day, put everything on hold. They need to reconnect and so do you. Sit down on the couch, give them an extra hug, and just listen to whatever they have to say. If you promised to look at a child's story, now is the time to do it. When kids know you're really with them and not thinking of a million other things, they'll enjoy a measure of comfort and satisfaction.

. Give kids a role. Now stop and think how you can include the children in the ongoing holiday preparations. If they really feel they're participating, they won't need to act up or whine for your attention. Let them help with gift-wrapping. You are training your children in a new skill that will contribute to their sense of competence. You'll also see your kids grow a foot in pride as they admire their accomplishments!

. Invite them to think of special gifts for the people on your list. You'll be surprised at how thoughtful little ones can be about other people's needs and how on-target some of their suggestions are.

. Get them into the kitchen. Find a way to include your kids in cooking whenever you can, especially when guests are coming. Participating in the preparations will make them feel that they are hosts along with you, and they'll feel even more hospitable toward the guests when they arrive.

. Observe the rule of two. When you're planning your holiday calendar, keep in mind that it's best to accept a maximum of two obligations a week that take both you and your husband away from the kids. They may tolerate your absence for two nights, but change it to three, and they'll probably fall apart.

. Savor the upcoming traditions. Set your priorities and don't get lost in trivia. Keep your family rituals sacrosanct, even if it means missing the neighbors' caroling party or a dinner with out-of-town friends. Take the time you need to truly enjoy the meaningful rites your kids look forward to all year.

2. You feel anxious about spending too much. Of course you want to make everyone happy with the presents you give. You especially want the kids' eyes to light up when they see their new toys. But remember, children need relaxed parents, and feeling overextended is not relaxing!

. Write down what you can afford for each gift. If you start buying without a good grasp of what you can spend, you'll soon feel that floating anxiety that tells you things are out of hand. Being out of control is a prime stressor! You'll feel better instantly if you vow here and now to figure out your budget and stick to it.

. Don't agonize over every present. If you see a great-looking address book that's just what you can afford to pay, buy it for as many people on your list as it might serve.

. Keep the kids' wish list simple. It's hard for little ones to avoid getting greedy when all they hear about for weeks and weeks are the fabulous toys out there. Help your children write down--and rank by importance--the gifts they really want. Explain that you (or Santa) have limitations, so they won't expect to receive everything on their list.

. Share their wish lists with your relatives. This will increase the kids' chances of getting their most important choices.

. Be honest. If one of your children wants a gift you simply can't swing, tell her up front so she's not let down when she opens her presents. But brainstorm then and there about ways she and you together might make her dream come true. Agree to start a special fund. You might put a certain sum in it each week if she took on an added chore. She might run a few errands for neighbors to raise some extra cash.

3. The kids get tired and grumpy. It's hard to keep kids from getting so wound up they can't settle down when it's time to go to sleep. After all, there's excitement in the air. Their friends are in a frenzy of anticipation, and the feeling is catching!

. Stick to their schedule as much as you can. Try to get the kids up in the morning and to bed at night at their regular hours. Keep mealtimes more or less the same as often as possible. This will help kids stay calm.

. Go with the flow when your routine falls apart. Face it, sometimes the kids are going to eat late and miss some sleep. Aunt Sue's dinner won't be ready to put on the table until eight o'clock. Friends and relatives will drop by. The UPS man will ring the bell just as the baby's nodding off. These things can't be avoided.

. Lower your standards. That will reduce your anxiety. If your kids eat too much candy, or miss two hours' sleep one night, it doesn't ultimately matter.

. Hang on to small rituals. When the kids do go to bed late, take time for the little rituals that make them feel secure. It's OK to skip the bath--but don't skip the bedtime story and the hugs and kisses!

Remember, the holidays are supposed to be a joyous time--for the kids as well as for adults. Sometimes in our rushing around and the business of this time of year, we forget that this holiday is for them to be involved and to enjoy.

How Not To Overspend

The urge to splurge. This is the time of year when most people spend more than they should on parties and gifts for others and for themselves. Here's why we overspend--and how to limit your postholiday debt. The big reasons for such excess...

. Seduction by hard-to-resist advertising. Everyone is influenced to spend money by the promises of enhanced status and improved self-image on TV and in print advertising. Although it is natural to respond to these enticements, spending is likely a problem if it is causing you to spend all you have or even to go into debt.

. Sense of entitlement. Credit cards enable us to buy what we want and not deal with the consequences until later. We may say to ourselves, I deserve this, whether we can afford the item or not.

. Need to combat emptiness. In our high-speed culture, we spend money, whether we have it or not, to counteract feelings of loneliness or depression--or even as an outlet for feeling of elation.

. Fear of looking cheap. When buying gifts for others or throwing holiday parties, many people overspend on food and accessories because they don't want others to think they are stingy. Once you confront these self-defeating behaviors, you'll be on the road to recovery.

How to avoid overspending. We are a nation of overspenders . Last year, Americans charged $611 billion on credit cards--up 23% from 1993.

. Get an overview of your money. Write down how much you earn each day after taxes...and list all of the money you owe, including credit card debt, car loans, etc. By calculating your earnings and listing your debt, you are becoming more aware of how long it takes to earn what you're thinking of spending--and how hard it is to pay off what you still owe. Consider taking the list of debts along when you shop.

. Keep a spending diary. Before a shopping trip, write down your feelings about what you're considering buying. During and after your trip, the more honestly you record your thoughts and feelings, the better you'll understand what tempts you to overspend--and how you can stop it.

. Avoid your "points of temptation." Many overspenders tend to be more tempted in certain predictable places, such as malls. Others begin by planning to shop for friends but end up buying many items for themselves. Solution: Consider alternative environments. Here are two strategies:

. Before you go shopping, make a list of what you intend to buy and set a limit on how much you will spend.

. Consider taking a friend who is not an overspender ...or call a trusted, frugal friend before and after the trip to hold yourself to your spending plan.

. Identify a long-term spending goal you really want to achieve, such as money for a trip to the Caribbean. As an incentive to stay within your limits, take along a photo that reminds you of this goal when you go shopping.

. Do what it takes to slow the spending process. It will give you more time to think about what you're doing.

Example: Don't buy anything impulsively--even if it is on sale. Walk out of the store and think about the purchase for at least a half-hour. If you still want that item--and you can afford it--then you can go back and buy it in a less emotional state. You may even decide on a more practical choice that would leave you some money to spare--or decide you don't need the item at all.

Source: Olivia Mellan , BOTTOM LINE PERSONAL, Vol. 16, No. 23, December 1, 1995.