August 1998

Is My Child Ready for Preschool?

Some two-year-olds speak clearly in complete sentences while others barely say a word. One three-year-old will rush happily into a preschool classroom while another will cling to a parent for dear life. To a preschool teacher, all this behavior is perfectly normal. There are no firm rules to indicate whether your child is ready for preschool but here are some general guidelines for three-year-olds:

Language. Some children can say what they want and need clearly, but don't be concerned if your child still can't express himself or herself in complete sentences.

Attention span. You may think your child has a short attention span, but don't worry. Teachers know how to provide a balanced mix of play and structured activities that keep kids interested.

Story time. The best way to prepare children for story time at school is to read to them at home. Being read to builds kids' concentration, imagination and language abilities. Read to kids in a way that gets them to read back to you to find the details in the pictures, to repeat the refrains in the story, to guess what will happen next.

Developing empathy. Most three-year-olds empathize when other children are upset and have already begun to understand that other kids also have needs. Just be aware that the concept of sharing takes time to develop.

Using the bathroom. Most preschools require that kids three and older be toilet trained. If your child is not, talk to the teacher about it. Don't get frantic about correcting the situation just before school starts.

Getting dressed. Preschoolers should be able to recognize their own knapsack, jacket and shoes. It's good if kids can put on their own clothes. If not, they'll learn quickly.

Cleaning up. Three-year-olds should be able to throw away their plates and cups and wipe up their drips or what they have spilled.

Colors, shapes, letters.

Many preschoolers can identify basic colors and tell a circle from a square. No one will expect them to recognize an octagon or the color mauve.

What you can do for your preschoolers:

Help kids learn to follow instructions. Do what good preschool teachers do: give specific directions kids are more likely to follow.

Encourage large-muscle activities: rolling, bouncing and throwing balls, building with large blocks and climbing on a jungle gym. Provide time and materials for small-motor activities as well: cutting with scissors, pasting, stringing beads and making collages.

Make counting a part of everyday conversation: "I'm going to give you three cookies" or "You gave me one book." Don't treat everything as "a lesson" or constantly quiz kids. Instead of "How many bunnies are in that picture?" say "Let's count the bunnies."

Give your child opportunities to play with other kids. Encourage him or her to use words to express anger and frustration. This will be a long process but it's important to get started.

Source: Work & Family Life, Vol. 12, No. 5, May 1998.

Listening to Kids With Your Heart

Separation and divorce are very difficult times for adults. There is pain, anger and disappointment. Children can be seriously and negatively affected as well. Easing this transition and helping them get started on the painful adjustments they will have to make requires great skill and patience on the part of the divorcing parents. Here are some suggestions:

Allow children to show their grief after you've broken the news. There may be tears, denials, pleas, threats, false bravado or simply silence. Being upset is part of what kids go through. Let them know these feelings are OK. Show your love by holding or hugging them.

If your child expresses strong feelings of anger toward you, avoid expressing anger in return, and avoid complaining about the departing parent. It's important to let kids express these feelings without fear of losing love.

If your children don't want to talk about the divorce or share their emotions with you at first, let it go for a little while. The truth is, the child might not yet know how he or she actually does feel. A period of denial can be a coping mechanism.

Let kids know that you're available to listen to them or answer their questions when they feel like talking.

Ask a preschooler who's reluctant to talk to draw a picture about how your family looks now that a separation has occurred. Ask for explanations of what you see in the picture. This may lead to further discussion and uncover false impressions. Ask an older child to write a story about his or her feelings if you think they're being suppressed.

Don't forget to inform other significant adults in a child's life, such as babysitters, teachers and neighbors, who will be supportive of the children and better able to deal with any behavioral changes that might occur.

Source: Work & Family Life, Vol.12, No. 5, May 1998.

The Simple Essentials of Good Parenting Today

Parents must communicate the right messages. All kids claim that their parents' comments have no effect on their behavior. Research shows that the messages must be sent often from a child's earliest age. How to get your message across in an effective way:

Convey optimism about your future and your child's future. Children form opinions of themselves in part based on the messages parents send. Children who are sent the message that they can't do anything right are more likely to engage in negative behavior.

Supply positive reinforcement for positive social behavior. Too many parents communicate with their kids only when they've done something wrong. Children tend to rise of fall to meet their perception of parents' and others' expectations of them. Praise your kids when they use good judgment and do something right.

Communicate values. Come right out and explain what you expect in terms of problem resolution, household chores, sexual behavior, etc. But, communicating values are meaningless if you don't live up to those values yourselves. Adolescents with role models for positive everyday behavior are at less risk of engaging in negative behavior. But, adolescents who consider their parents hypocrites are less likely to listen to what they say.

The right school makes a big difference. A school can be a key protective factor for an adolescent. Key points to look for in a school:

Your child believes that the teachers are caring and fair.

Your child feels a sense of belonging in that school.

Teachers convey to your kids their high expectations for them.

Parents should pay attention to adolescents' opinions of their schools. If a child doesn't believe he/she is being treated fairly by a teacher-whether or not it is justified-it's a danger sign.

Adolescents must believe their parents are accessible to them. It's vital for adolescents to know that they can confide in their parents without being punished. Parents need to understand there are times when punishment can be counterproductive. Example: Parents should let their kids know that they can call for a ride home at any hour, for any reason, without question or punishment.

Academic trouble must be addressed at its first sign. Kids who struggle in school, who are learning disabled or who flunk out are more likely to display risky behavior. If there are any igns that a child is beginning to struggle in reading, writing or any other subject, it should serve as a serious warning. Most schools know how to deal with these problems, but it's often up to the parents to see that they take action.

Children in homes where both parents work are often well-adjusted if the situation is handled correctly. Working parents often feel guilty that they aren't home taking care of their children. They will be pleased to hear that their adolescents are not at greater risk of dangerous behavior just because their parents aren't always at home.

Establish consistency. Make sure your children know that at least one parent will be around at a particular time consistently.

Create a sense of connectedness or closeness when you spend time with your children.

Recognize the moments when children want to talk-even if it doesn't fit your schedule. Kids are not always eager to communicate with their parents, but they will eventually try to discuss important issues. Stop what you're doing, and listen when they approach you.

Source: Michael Resnick, PhD, Bottom Line Personal, Vol.19, No. 9, May 1, 1998.