August 1995

Watch Your Children's Television "Diet"

Working parents with busy schedules often feel they have little influence over their children's intellectual development. One of the few areas over which parents do have control is the use of television. While parents have always struggled to find ways to limit their children's television diets, the battle has become even more pronounced in recent years. Television, however, can play a major role in a child's learning, once parents get beyond the most common misconceptions about television viewing. To successfully impact on television watching, let's separate myth from fact.

Myth 1: Television turns kids into dull couch potatoes. While television can have negative influences on children, educational television can introduce and reinforce positive values, cultural diversity and learning of subjects ranging from science to history.

Myth 2: Children who watch television don't do well in school. Students who watch moderate amounts of television-especially educational television-can be excellent students. But children who watch excessive amounts of television don't have the time to do much schoolwork and don't achieve as well as those whose television watching is monitored. Moderate television watchers-those who view between one and two hours a day-have time for other activities that can be related to educational television shows.

Myth 3: Children who watch television are poor readers. Parents can choose and read books to their children based on television programs the children have watched. Quality Public Broadcasting System (PBS) programs such as Reading Rainbow and The Magic School Bus or baseball games, for example, actually motivate young people to buy or borrow books on these subjects. If you believe your children watch too much television, unplugging the set forever is not usually a practical alternative. Denying your children television eliminates the benefits of educational programming.

Effective ways to put your children on a television diet. . .

y Keep a television diary. You need a clear picture of what your family watches and for how long. Parents can't enforce a plan for kids unless they evaluate their own television-watching practices. Just like kids, parents shouldn't park themselves in front of the set for hours. Solution: Create an oversized one-week calendar, with the days of the week across the top and the hours of the day down the left side. For each day, list the names of family members and the programs they watched next to the appropriate time slots. Add up the hours, and evaluate the types of programs you and your children watch as well as the amount of time you spend watching. Aim to reduce your children's viewing to an average of two hours a day or at most a total of 14 to 15 hours a week.

y Balance your television diet. Think of your children's television viewing as you would their diets. Strive for ones that are well balanced. For a main course, select educational programs. The kids can have their dessert-such as cartoons-but minimize such viewing. Exercise the same type of discretion when shopping for a television program as you would when shopping for food. Consider the ingredients and read the label. What are a program's images and messages?

y Don't just sit there after viewing a program. Just as you would get up from the table after eating, get up and do something after watching television. Follow an educational program with an activity. Consider how books, museums, games or family activities can tie in with an educational television series. Research a program's subject in books or an encyclopedia.

y Use your video cassette recorder (VCR) to augment a healthy television diet. If used correctly, the VCR can be a strong ally-a "video printing press" in your living room. You have more options and more control when you have a home library on tape. You can create your own quality library of tapes and allow children to view them when convenient. Many children learn a lot from repeat viewing. Example: A tape of a National Geographic special may have lessons that children will absorb after repeated viewing. Many parents videotape Sesame Street or Mister Rogers. Do the same with other PBS programs Reading Rainbow and Bill Nye the Science Guy as your children get older.

Source: Milton Chen, PhD, Center for Education and Lifelong Learning, Vol. 16, No. 3, February, 1995

Sharing angry feelings between two people in a constructive manner isn't easy. Any effort to make anger constructive must not leave the feeling that a person's anger has to be bottled up. The heat and hurt must be released. Anger becomes intimate when it is expressed with the following elements:

1. Warmth. Communicate intensely with care how you have been hurt.

2. Specificity. Communicate clearly, and request a specific change in the relationship to avoid future misunderstandings.

3. Release. Effectively and safely release the tension that accompanies anger so you can feel healed and able to forgive.

4. Brevity. Release the anger in five or ten minutes, avoiding lengthy monologues. Although many issues may need examination, express your feelings succinctly.

5. Fairness. Avoid global, all-encompassing accusations and strive to recognize that others may also have legitimate disagreements and grievances. At all times, remember that when it comes to feelings, no one is wrong.

6. Receptivity. Avoid blaming, attacking or otherwise trying to control the other person's responses. This means listening receptively and empathetically to the other's anger without becoming defensive.

7. Creativity. Seek to resolve the issues that are confronting you so both can win. Constructive anger mobilizes people to find mutually satisfying solutions, multiple options, and creative choices.

8. Acceptance. Accept the need to change the relationship without having to prove the other person wrong. Avoid assuming the other intends to hurt you, because such assumptions will only make people defensive and cause the argument to escalate.

9. Love. Remain committed to creating a better relationship. Speak from the heart in a way that reflects the full intensity of your pain, as well as the strength of your caring.

Source: Harold Bloomfield, & Sirah Vettese, with Robert Kory, MARRIAGE, May, 1995.

Three Secrets About Communicating With Men

While it is not necessarily true that "men are from Mars and women are from Venus" as far as effective communication is concerned, there are social and physiological differences in how they communicate. Here are some ideas for women who wish to be more effective in communicating with men.

1. Men communicate best when they have a focus for the conversation, so (1) give him an agenda, (2) ask him questions, and (3) don't use hinting as a way to ask for what you want-be direct.

2. Men internalize their thinking process and only communicate the end result, so (1) don't expect him to think out loud, (2) give him time to come up with an answer, and (3) let your partner know when you need to complain out loud to solve a problem, so that he is warned in advance.

3. Men don't have access to their emotions as easily as women do, so (1) don't overwhelm your partner with your emotions by pouring them out all at once and expecting him to respond. Slow down, take your time, be clear about what you want to say, (2) try physically touching your partner, holding hands, resting your hand on his arm, or hugging him as a way to help him get out of his head and into his heart, (3) don't assume that intellectually articulate men will be emotionally articulate, and (4) acknowledge him for his progress.

Source: Barbara DeAngelis, SECRETS ABOUT MEN EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW, MARRIAGE, February 1995

Herbert G. Lingren, PhD

Extension Family Life Specialist