April 1998
Children who witness domestic violence often show life-impairing stress symptoms similar to those of combat veterans, suggests a new study of families. Signs of intrusive remembering, such as flashbacks, nightmares and compulsive re-enacting of the violence in play, were experienced by 52 percent of the children. This research was conducted by University of Michigan researchers who studied violent acts in the home during the past year among 7 to 12-year-old child witnesses. Some 48 percent of the youngsters acted more irritable and angry since the violence, and 42 percent had trouble paying attention at home or school.
The findings reveal a strong link between frequency of violent acts in the last year and the odds of a child having painful, intrusive symptoms. Those with intrusive symptoms witnessed 17 "severe" violent acts (punching, beating up, weapon use) and 23 "mild" ones (slapping, shoving). Children without intrusive symptoms saw about one severe act and four mildly violent ones. For many children, "it's like having chronic stress in their lives because violence is so frequent."
Past research suggests 30 percent to 60 percent of child witnesses have been abused themselves. Some studies show kids with the worst problems have both witnessed and been targets of violence. In light of these findings, if you suspect domestic violence in a home, suggest the parents get help immediately. If you suspect child abuse, report it to your local law enforcement office.
Do you feel that you are listened to and understood by your spouse, your roommate, your children? Does your family solve problems and make decisions together? Can everyone talk and be heard without blaming, making judgments or attacking one another?
In other words, how well does your family communicate? It's a crucial question because there's probably no other area of family life that has more impact on our stress level, no matter where we live, what we do or how many people are in our household. But many barriers stand in the way of good family communication. Here are a few, with some suggestions on how to overcome them.
No one is a mind reader. Too often our communication doesn't go far enough. For example, when we say "the cleaning will be ready at 3 o'clock," we're disappointed, if not angry, if our spouse or roommate doesn't pick it up till the next morning. The other half of the sentence (which we didn't say) is: "I'd like you to get it this afternoon."
Many people have trouble being direct so they make a request in the form of a statement: "We're running out of laundry detergent."This kind of incomplete, imprecise communication_in which a person's expectations are not clearly spelled out_often leads to tension and misunderstandings. To avoid this, say what you mean.
Get a handle on your anger. How individuals express anger or disagreement can make a difference between having pleasant or difficult family communication. It's all too easy to let off steam when you're angry_and some people believe it's better for your own mental health to do this. It may, in fact, work for the moment but it can backfire if you say something you will later regret.
Most of us work hard to stay calm and collected when we are with our colleagues and friends (at least with the ones we don't live with). We try to act with restraint no matter how angry we are. Isn't this the way we should ideally interact with our children and other family members also? Yes, they can "get to us" differently but we can avoid harsh words and unnecessary confrontations using tried and true techniques such as taking a deep breath, counting to 10 and saying to ourselves, "Life is short, I'm not going to get upset about this."
Separating yourself from the situation or the person is another effective strategy to pave the way for a discussion when everyone is calmed down. For example, you might want to say to a child or another adult: "I'm too angry to think clearly now. Let's each go to our own rooms for a while and we'll talk later." Or to an adolescent: "I'd like you to write me a letter that explains what happened and why you did what you did, and then we can talk about it."
Can family meetings work for you? "We're too busy to have family meetings." "Why do we have to be so formal?" Despite these objections, families who have a short, scheduled get-together (once a week or even once a month) find this to be a wonderful way to practice problem-solving skills, promote communication and build family unity. After a cooling-off period, family meetings can also be a time to talk about something that has made you_or anyone else_angry.
A family meeting can also head off problems: "I'm going to have to work late for the next few weeks," or "Grandma is coming next week. Let's talk about how we're going to make things comfortable for her." When a plan is agreed on at a meeting, family members feel a sense of ownership and are more likely to comply with it.
Successful family meetings have simple ground rules: 1) We treat each other's ideas respectfully; 2) We listen, without judging; 3) We focus on finding solutions by compromise and consensus rather than voting, in order to avoid win-lose situations; 4) Anyone in the family can put an item on the agenda; 5) A leader or facilitator is needed to keep the meeting on track; 6) We keep the meetings short; 7) Adults still have final say over things that relate to the behavior and well-being of children.
Put it in writing. Sometimes it seems as if we're on "automatic pilot." We talk so much the kids become "parent deaf" and we find that other family members don't pay much attention to what we say either. Obviously one solution to this is to say less, but another is to put some of our instructions, thoughts, reactions and explanations in writing. Leave a note saying "the garbage needs to be outside by 6 o'clock" is direct, clear, and certainly beats the usual nagging and blaming. Some notes can also set the stage for a calm discussion. For example, "Here's my report card. Could we talk about it before you jump to any conclusions?"
When we have something difficult or sensitive to say, especially when someone has misunderstood us or hurt us_it's often easier to write our thoughts and reactions than to say them to the other person. With small requests or larger issues to resolve, putting your thoughts in writing is one way to keep everyone connected.
Source: Anne Perryman. Work and Family Life, Feb. 1998, Vol.12 No. 2
Source: Work and Family Life, Feb. 1998, Vol. 12, No. 2
Advising: Jumping in with a solution when the other person has barely stopped talking is a sign that you are not really listening. "Fixing things" may not even be what the child wants.
Daydreaming: Focus on the conversation. If your thoughts are wandering, the other person will sense it and you won't pick up much of what is being said.
Derailing: If you change the subject or make a joke whenever you become bored or uncomfortable with the conversation, you aren't listening, and your child won't feel heard.
Mind reading: If you constantly try to guess what your children really mean based on your own feelings, assumptions or hunches rather than on what they are actually saying, you'll tune out what they're trying to communicate.
Rehearsing: This happens when you mentally plan your response to what children are saying to you, instead of listening to them.
Source: Working Mother, March, 1998
Herbert G. Lingren, PhD
Extension Family Life Specialist